Ball of Nothing

Adam was a thief. No, not the kind that entered dungeons to disable traps and scout for hidden enemies. He was your ordinary run-of-the-mill lowlife who stole coin pouches, tricked old folks and snatched food from stores. He wasn't an honourable person and he wasn't proud of the life he lived. However, a man needs to do what he has to in order to survive.

That didn't mean that Adam didn't have dreams. Oh no. In fact, he had huge dreams. Dreams so huge that it was impossible to make it a reality. Hence, the thief would often indulge in them when he wasn't making a living.

It wasn't a secret that Adam loved to walk in the forest. Sometimes, he would play the honourable thief and help one or two travellers when they were lost. Other times, he would tip new adventurers about the spots to avoid when travelling. Highwaymen and mountain bandits were often not as kind as Adam and the thief didn't want anyone getting hurt if he could help it. Adam had huge dreams about becoming a hero like any other children. Unfortunately, heroes were chosen and Adam knew he was not. Still, he did what he could while getting by. He wasn't a bad person but nobody liked him. The thief was used to it.

He wandered in a deeper part of the forest as usual. Nothing was amiss. It was three in the afternoon and the sun was blazing so the thief decided to take a refreshing swim in a nearby lake. Little did he know that his decision would change his life completely.

At his lake, Adam discovered that he wasn't alone. A very good-looking male wood elf and a cute kid with big brown eyes and chocolate hair had discovered the lake earlier and were having some fun in it. Adam sighed in dismay. There goes his peaceful afternoon. It didn't appear as if the child and his guardian were going to leave any time soon so Adam took his pot in a tree not too far away to observe the strange company.

The wood elf seemed to wait on this young boy on hand and feet. Adam tried recalling if he'd ever seen those proud elves lowering their head for mere humans. Even if the boy was royalty, an elf would never submit and devote everything they had. This boy had to be different. Maybe he was secretly another species that Adam wasn't aware of. Their interactions proved that it was something deeper than a guardian and ward.

The boy's name was Zero and the wood elf was called Truen. Both were unusual names and Adam did not know if they were adventurers or merchants. He did look around for a bit trying to find any sort of weapon that the wood elf might wield but found none. Perhaps they were merely travellers?

The clothes they wore were also strange and with nothing better to do, Adam crept up to the rock that the clothes lay on. He recognised the signature light armour for archers but he didn't know what the strange red outfit was. With both strangers distracted, Adam gave in to his curiosity and stole the strange red clothes. The material felt strangely comfortable on his hands and Adam instantly recognised money when he saw it. The cloth was nothing like the crappy common clothes sold in the market. It screamed of quality and the stitch work was so masterful that Adam battled with his thoughts. He couldn't possibly steal all the clothes and leave the poor child naked, could he? He would feel terrible if the child caught a cold. Hence, Adam compromised and swiped the underwear. It was a good pair of underwear after all and might fetch a good price in the black market.

On the way back, Adam let his mind wander. He didn't notice how a group of mountain bandits were sneaking up on him and by the time he did, it was much too late to run. Outnumbered three to one without weapons and only a very expensive underwear in hand, Adam panicked. Was this how he ended?

"Hand over that!" one of them snarled.

Adam refused. He knew that the bandits will still kill him even if he handed it over. Hence, the thief did the only logical thing left and fought with all his might.

Kicking dirt into the first man's eye, he took down the second with a tackle. The third man who watched his comrades get taken down snarled and lunged forward with his sabre. Adam panicked and raised the stretchy fabric in front of him out of reflex. He knew he was doomed. No piece of cloth no matter how expensive can win against a sabre.

To everyone's surprise, the fabric did not suffer a single scratch. It may have stretched a little too much but it didn't give way. Adam blinked. He hadn't inspected the piece of underwear because honestly, who would? Thankfully, thieves had the appraisal skill so Adam quickly understood that he had gotten his hands on one of the most powerful equipment ever known to mankind.

Seeing the change in expression on Adam's face, the mountain bandits became wary. It was merely a piece of cloth, what could a lone thief do? Well, they were about to find out.

As the old saying went, offence was the best defence. Adam struck hard, snapping back the elastic band and letting it hit the bandits in the face. When the push came to the shove, he used it to fend against the deadly sabres. The underwear could change sizes automatically and Adam used his wit to invent a makeshift underwear slingshot. The first stone knocked the weakest mountain bandit unconscious. The leader of the trio saw that and cursed. He wasn't willing to suffer losses over one thief with a strange underwear.

"Retreat!" he yelled and they quickly vanished.

Adam's knees gave out when he realised that he found the literal jackpot. It may be an underwear but Adam was a creative man. Surely he could find uses for it.

***

Two months later in a faraway village near the demon territory, humans screamed in terror. Many fled their burning houses. Women took their children to flee while able-bodied farmers grabbed their hoes and pitchforks, ready to battle against the Fire Bats attacking their village.

It wasn't a fair fight as Fire Bats had both aerial advantage and strength in numbers. Just when all hopes were lost, a hero turned up.

"Fear not! I will take care of this demon!"

Instead of rejoicing, women covered their children's eyes. Men gave him look of disgust and people jeered.

Standing in all his half-naked glory, Adam wore the trusty underwear that saved his life in the forest. He'd taken on a new occupation and proclaimed himself as a philanthropic hero, saving villagers whenever there was a need. However, instead of gaining fame, the ex-thief was classed as a pervert. Nobody liked him and Adam was dubbed the Stripper for his unofficial hero title.

"Oh no! It's the Stripper... Hide your women and children!"

"Get away from here, he's going to flash!"

"I hope the Fire Bats get him! How dare he show up here indecent..."

"Oh no! Run! He's starting to take it off!"

The villagers dropped their weapons and headed for the hills, leaving Adam and his wounded pride behind. Still, the noble rookie hero gritted his teeth and persevered. Sticks and stones might break his bones but names would never hurt him. There will come a day when these people will understand, or so he consoled himself.

"Stand back, foul demons! Or be prepared to be taken down."

The Fire Bats didn't care if Adam was naked or not. In fact, they seemed to think that Adam was a better target. Humans wore too many things that their claws couldn't remove and it didn't taste good. Seeing a human void of those obstacles made them drool. How could they pass up a prey when it presented itself to them on a silver platter?

Without warning, the Fire Bats swooped down, fighting each other for dibs on the fresh meat. Adam stood his ground, readying his signature strike. Underwear in hand, the self-proclaimed hero pulled the stretchy elastic back.

"Mighty Wind Blast!" He yelled and released the hold of his hand pulling the fabric back. The gust of wind took some bats out of the sky and Adam finished them off with an axe-heel drop. His junk fluttered in the wind valiantly as if celebrating the fall of its enemies. Nobody cheered and some pitied the ex-thief. It would be a different story if he had something worth flaunting. At least he would be generously tipped.

Ignoring the humiliation, Adam quickly finished off the remaining bats and put his squeaky clean underwear back on. It remained one of the world's greatest mystery how the pervert hero's underwear stayed free of blood despite the bloody battles every single time. Nobody questioned him in fear of being associated as a fellow lunatic.

At this point, word has travelled far and wide. Truen searched high and low for Zero's missing pair of underwear. The elusive underwear thief was always leaving trails and many stories about his heroic deeds allowed Truen to finally catch up with the man.

However, the wood elf never expected to meet the man while he was in action. He felt sick watching the thief wave that underwear and exposing his privates for all to see. Truen felt as if he needed to wash his eyes out with alcohol just to feel clean again but remembered he had a far more important mission.

"Who are you?" Adam asked when the wood elf approached. The elf seemed familiar but the thief couldn't remember where he'd seen him before.

Truen wanted to vomit, he really did. However, he had enough self-dignity to push that urge down. With the coldest glare, he stretched his hand out, silently demanding Zero's sullied underwear back.

Adam didn't understand it at first but then something clicked. He remembered that wood elf and looked at his underwear. Could it be that the wood elf wanted it back? Surely he could afford to overlook this minor crime of his... after all, he'd done mostly good things with the godly underwear. Without it, Adam would never have been able to fulfil his dreams of becoming a hero.

Still, the wood elf didn't budge. Surrendering to his fate, Adam slowly pulled the underwear down, preparing to hand it over. Truen couldn't help it but lower his eyes over a certain area. He didn't expect Adam to be so obedient and return it upon confrontation. He wanted to scream at the human to stop and find something to cover his exposed bits before handing it over but as the fabric went lower and lower, Truen felt bile rise up his throat.

"AHHHHHHH!"

Truen snapped his eyes open and immediately retched. Whatever rations he ate was thrown up. Thankfully none of the thousands of precious books in Merlin's ancient library suffered damage.

Clammy with sweat and heart still racing, the wood elf looked pulled out his communicator. It was three in the afternoon. He must have fallen asleep after pulling three all-nighters. Sighing in relief, the wood elf thanked his foresight to ask En to place anti-theft enchantments for all of Zero's clothes. Then he tensed up. Did En place any on Zero's underwear? Then again, did the Great Gods enchant any of Zero's underwear? What about socks, ties and wigs?

Paranoid, the wood elf dialled for Gaia. Who knew if that was merely a nightmare or a prophecy? Truen wished it was only paranoia on his end but it was always better to be safe than sorry.

"Hello, Gaia? Yes, I have a favour to ask of you..."