Cyber Heroes

Last month, I went to the psychosomatic department for treatment because of physical symptoms, and then took a temporary leave of absence. This was more than a month ago.

At first I thought I would be able to adjust in a few days. Thinking about it now, I underestimated diseases and medicines too much.

I am currently taking a drug called venlafaxine. Venlafaxine can solve many problems, but there is one thing: it will eliminate the desire to express.

After taking this medicine, you will feel relaxed and happy, but without any desire to express yourself. I have often fantasized about various stories this month, but I have no idea of ​​turning them into words. This function seems to have been completely extinguished. I took the medicine and fantasized about all kinds of stories at home, having fun. But they are not in the form of words in my consciousness, but something else.

I have a fellow patient in the author group. My friend Lao Kong, who used the pen name Kong Fanduo, told me that I would be unable to write anything after taking this medicine, and it was guaranteed that I would become a dove. Everyone who has tried this medicine says so.

I thought I could write a little despite the side effects.

I still don’t believe enough in the “primacy of matter”.

I really can’t write anything at all. When I wasn’t taking the medicine, I could write two thousand words a day. After taking the medicine, I struggled to write even a few words.

The only advantage is that you won’t be so nervous that you vomit when facing a Word document.

If you think about it carefully, it's a bit... uncomfortable.

I went to see a doctor and took medicine in order to continue working, but the side effects of the medicine directly made me unable to work.

Some readers were very worried about me and asked me how I was doing in the middle of last month. I said it was pretty good.

Him: Aren’t you worried about drug dependence? I thought you minded this... taking medicine.

Me: You have read my books for so long, so you should be able to tell. I am the kind of person who holds a positive attitude towards "technology intervening on the spiritual level". I wish I could control my mood.

He: In the previous group chat, you were worried about dependence on psychotropic drugs.

Me: Because I have no money and no medical insurance.

The stress of life, the medications, and the feeling of illness were all taking their toll on me. I really hope that the doctor can change the medicine, but unfortunately the doctor said that it is not up to me, and changing the medicine may not solve this problem.

Before I get rid of the disease, I probably won’t be able to do daily updates.

I thought I could write a few hundred words a day and update one chapter last month.

Sorry, I still have to disappoint everyone for a while longer.

And the doctor said that letting it go for a while would help me adjust my mentality. But I don’t really want to let go for too long.

For me, the career of "online article creation" is my source of livelihood, the greatest meaning of my life, and the most precious connection between me and the world and others.

Although there are all kinds of bad things about the website, there are terms that are not conducive to the author, and there are all kinds of weird and sensitive words. But, it also has two delicious flavors. First, it is not restricted by the version number, so you can write whatever you want. Second, it can get real-time feedback.

I still quite like this place. At least it gives everyone a chance to write.

And I am also a person who creates based on readers.

Just as the famous Japanese novelist Hiba Makoto said, the stories written by the author and the emotions conveyed will condense a new chapter in the hearts of readers. Works only have meaning if they are read. [So even if it’s not a novel from Qidian, even if it’s an article I post anywhere, please leave comments as much as possible. 】

Creating works is the meaning of my existence. Although the doctor thinks that it is not good for me to hang the meaning of life on one thing, it is indeed much better to "find a meaning" than not to find it.

But when the matter becomes too heavy, I will feel pressured out of fear of not being able to write well, and I will write slowly because of the pressure. Then I will be watered down by deadlines and royalties, and I will feel self-loathing because of the watershed.

I have a rather low opinion of my own work. Although I really hope someone will comment on it, if anyone actually comes to praise my book, I will feel that it may be a bit rude to say so. If someone really praises my book, I will think, "Oh, this person doesn't have good taste", "I probably haven't seen anything better" and so on.

I even instinctively feel that comments that disparage my work are more justified.

Of course, no matter how good my works are, they are indeed not that good. I have read most of the top fantasy novels, and I know there is a huge gap between my own work and the top level.

But, this low evaluation seems to have become a fixed mindset. It started to eat away at every aspect of my life outside of work.

Another time a psychologist asked me if I was proud of anything. I thought for a moment and became embarrassed, because I felt that although I had written a lot, my writing was not very good. Apart from that, it seems that I just read more books and play more games. But there's nothing to be proud of. I am good at reading, but my knowledge is broad but not deep. I lack deep patience. I play a lot of games but I'm not very good at it. I haven't even mentioned it in Hearthstone. I’m not much of a connoisseur either…

The psychological counselor interrupted me sadly and said that I bought my own house and could pay him the consulting fee without hesitation, which showed that my income level had exceeded that of most people. I have been successful in a worldly sense.

Me: Oh, it seems so?

But I seem to have forgotten.

When I opened my circle of friends, I saw that all my high school classmates seemed to have a better life than me, with successful careers or happy families. But maybe there are people worse than me who don’t know how to post on Moments?

I should change my damn way of thinking.

I hope the condition will be cured next year.

happy New Year to all.