How to Raise Your Regressor

"Hahahahahahahaha!" I laughed maniacally as I fell down the window.

"Samur!" Noelle and the others obviously shrieked and extended their hands to catch me.

But being the slippery boy I am, I evaded their hands and continued my descent.

"Fuck off, you pieces of shit!" I flipped them off.

Finally, I was going to die-

BOOM!

Hmm? I haven't hit the ground yet, so what's with this explosion like sound?

As I was wondering, suddenly, the world around me started to wriggle. The buildings, people, sky, all started to crumble like sand being blown away by dust.

And just like that, the scene vanished and I woke up.

Fuck, it was a dream.

Well, let's just go back to sleep and hope I'll be able to pick it up from where I had left it.

"I… I'm sorry," someone started sobbing.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

So now a guy can't even sleep in peace, huh?

This is just wow.

Having no other choice, I abandoned my free trial of death aka sleep, opened my eyes and sat up.

"What the fuck is going on here?" I couldn't help but mutter out loud.

In front of me were Vafferan, Neia and Mr. Cat, all three of them dubiously staring at me.

And then there was Arteria, who had fallen to her knees beside my bed. She had buried her face in the bed and was weeping.

As expected, this woman has absolutely no manners.

I'll have to wash this sheet later. Fuck.

Anyway, that alone would have been fine, because this is the type of thing I expect from these wankers. However, there was another, bigger problem; the door to my room was not there. To be more precise, it had been pulverised.

So a fucking lock wasn't enough to stop these fuckers, huh?

Goddamnit.

You know what? Fuck it. I'm installing tactical nukes on my door next. Try barging in then, idiots.

Let's see who'll laugh when the Tsar Bomba detonates in your face.

Well, none of us, actually, because the bomb will evaporate everything in a radius of 55 km, but I'll just laugh in my next life.

Ez.

"Ah, I'm truly sorry," paying no heed to my inner turmoil (as usual for a member of the New Dawn Guild), Arteria continued crying.

What the fuck is her problem? What is she apologising for?

And was her apology so important that she couldn't wait for me to wake up and just had to barge into my room?

"For what?"

Let's ask the big gurl herself.

"F-for letting you die!" She exclaimed.

"Huh?"

Did I hear her right? She's asking for my forgiveness because she let me die?

I mean, I'm no medical expert, Arteria, but to my chagrin, I'm still very much alive.

Unless, of course, I'm already dead but my soul has stayed behind so I'm looking at them from the information dimension.

I looked at the other two wankers for some clues.

Neia just closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, while Vafferan simply averted her gaze.

These fuckers.

Well, at the very least, it doesn't seem like my life has turned into a shitty psychological horror novel. We're still in the fantasy genre.

"It's all my fault that this happened to you! Oh my God, why didn't I stop you!?"

Jesus fuck.

"…" I couldn't help but pinch the bridge of my own nose; I was not trying to copy Neia because she looked cool, okay? "Arteria, I know it's tempting, but you should never drink right in the morning. Next time, hold on until the afternoon."

There's no other way to explain this.

She must have downed at least 12 bottles of high grade liquor, hallucinated that I somehow died because of her (I really wish I had) and decided the best thing to do was to cry over the loss of my life right beside my bed.

What is she, a Drama Queen?

Also, who the fuck drinks alcohol right in the morning? Dawns are for heroin and cocaine.

"I'm not drunk- eh?" Arteria stupidly grunted and looked up at me.

I could see her eyes widening and her brain crashing.

"If you're not drunk, why would you think I'm dead, hmm?"

I don't see any other reason why she would think I'm not alive.

"You're… you're alive?" Arteria asked with an open jaw as her tiny brain rebooted.

"I believe I am."

Unless, of course, there's something I'm missing in the life and death manual.

Which I'm obviously not because I'm the one who created those concepts.

"I-I thought you were dead…"

"I would like to be dead, but I don't think I'll have that wish granted anytime soon."

Gotta jump out that window sometime soon.

"B-b-b-but, this is, no, just, what?" She sputtered as she wiped her tears and stood up.

"Look, jokes aside, stop drinking during the morning, okay? It's really not good for your health, especially in your transition period."

Her body should still be going through several changes to adapt to that new heart.

Alcohol would not only slow down those changes, it'll also disrupt them, which could lead to some not-so-wholesome results, such as her body rejecting that heart.

Would be a yikes from me if she dropped dead after all that time I spend on her.

It would rid me of one of the many nuisances plaguing my life though.

Huh, maybe I should not have asked her to stop drinking. Fuck.

"Y-you're alright?" She asked.

"Yup."

"R-really?" She started touching my body at various places in a non-sexual way, probably to confirm it with her own eyes and hands.

"Perfectly fine, aside from sleep deprivation. I wonder whose fault that is."

If I were to make an educated guess, I'd say the reason I couldn't get enough sleep is because someone disrupted it.

But who could do that? Who would commit one of the worst war crimes in history aka ruining someone's sleep?

Not the 4 wankers standing in my room, that's for sure.

"Then what's with the blood?" Arteria asked with a frown after retreating her hands.

She sure recovered quickly.

"Oh, this? I was pretty bored with my white bed sheets. They're so bland, you know? So I decided to dabble my hands in some recreational activities, like painting."

"And what was the paintbrush? You?" Arteria scoffed.

"As they say, the world is your canvas and you're the brush."

As for the paint, let's just say, some wankers are probably going to die from anaemia.

"…"

"…"

If I were to make an educated guess, this is probably not going to end well for me.

Where did I go wrong this time? I had made sure to lock my room after getting Arteria out.

My previous quarrel with Noelle should have been enough to deter Neia and Arteria.

Yet here we are.

I guess I'll just do what I do best; refuse to take responsibility, turn this into another argument and make them leave.

As if she had read my thoughts, Arteria reached out for me. Looks like she's going to get physical with me.

By which I mean she'll probably beat me up in the non-kinky way.

I mean, yea, just beat me up. That sure went well for the woman before you.

Anyway, I could leverage this and make her stay away from me for about 2 weeks. Maybe more, but we'll see.

However, contrary to what I was expecting, Arteria just pulled me in and embraced me, "I'm glad you're alright."

Um, wut?