How to Raise Your Regressor

Which reminds me, what the fuck is wrong with Noelle?

"Haha, right," Jennifer chuckled at my self-deprecating humour (finally, someone with a sense of humour). "You're funny."

"Thank you."

My worth is finally being realised. It is enough to bring tears to a man's eyes.

"What happened to you, though?" Jennifer looked at Noelle. "Why are you so quiet?"

"Yeah, this is a party, Ms. Noelle. Please enjoy."

To be more precise, this is the party organised by the Royal Family for the people who attended my Seminar. Its purpose is to celebrate the first step we have taken to a new and better future as well as give the members a chance to acquaint themselves with each other.

The venue was beautiful, there was good food, great wine, and fine music. It was a joyous occasion.

But Noelle was so gloomy that she was single-handedly damaging the jolly atmosphere of this party.

It was made even clearer by the fact that other guests were steering clear from us, as if they were afraid of Noelle.

"…" Noelle quietly glared at me, as if I had wronged her somehow.

I have no idea why she would do that, though. I'm a very gud boi, after all.

"Oh, please forgive her," Arteria jumped into the conversation and looked at me. "She's still recovering after some stupid fucking asshole pulled a very horrible prank on her."

Oof.

"Ah, my condolences. What happened? No, more importantly, are you alright?"

She must have gone through something truly horrific for her to act like this. I wonder what it could be.

Did someone steal her water bottle?

"You mother-"

"Language, Ms. Arteria."

There are children here aka me, and as they say, one must never curse in front of children.

"…" her glare sharpened even further.

Yikes.

"Also, like I said, please don't drink alcohol. It's bad for your health."

She's still in the state of transition; in fact, right now is more important because her body is in its final stage of adapting to the new heart.

Drinking alcohol right now could lead to serious issues, like her getting drunk and evaporating my door again I mean her dying.

"A-a bit should be fine, right?" Her glare vanished as she averted her gaze.

"Absolutely not."

I'm probably the last person who should be saying this, but your body is your temple, Arteria. You should always take care of it.

Hmm, but what if she's an atheist?

Then her body is her…

...

Let's just assume that she is a devout believer of God and worships him/her/it daily.

"Oh come on, today's a joyous day. Let her celebrate," Jennifer said.

Quite interestingly, she was the only one around us. The rest were quite far away.

And by 'us', I mean me, Azell, Noelle, Vafferan, Neia and Arteria.

Anyway, maybe Jennifer being with us was another reason the others weren't approaching us which, now that I think about it, is the opposite of the purpose of today's party.

Everyone is supposed to improve their relationships with each other, not form little cliques and enjoy themselves.

These guys are fucking assholes.

"I've been hearing that a lot today. Is it someone's birthday?" I asked.

I am supposed to be someone who wasn't invited to today's Seminar because I'm not influential enough (lol). Everyone has also signed the non-disclosure agreement, so I should have no idea why we were here today.

It's important to stay in character. The last thing I want is for others to come to me and say, 'Hey, you were the one who introduced the elixir that day, right? I really liked your performance. Would you please give me an autograph?'

That would be a yikes from me.

I mean, I still haven't designed my autograph. What would I write; just 'Samur'?

Hell no.

"It could be. I have no idea," Azell replied.

This man's acting skills are decent, I must admit.

"So we are not here for a birthday party. What is it then?" I asked as I looked around, as if noticing the various big-shots around me.

"Well, you'll know soon enough," he smiled.

"Oh, come on. Tell me. Please?" I looked at him with puppy eyes.

"…" Azell's eyes widened; he seemed taken aback. "Ahem. I can't, even if I want to."

"Why not?"

"I'm under an oath. Anyway, like I said, you'll know about it soon, so don't worry."

Perfect.

"Haah, alright," I sighed.

Operation simulate a stupid overly enthusiastic overly curious child complete.

Damn, I'm good.

I should get an oscar for this (or whatever name they have given to the award they present for excellent acting).

"Anyway, cheer up, Ms. Noelle," I said to our friendly assassin. "If you're calling it a prank, I'm sure that man meant no harm to you."

Like, is this the first time someone has baited you into making a 12-year-old sacrifice his own body for you? It was just a prank, Noelle, stop being such a baby about it.

I wonder when the day will come when these wankers will grow up and start showing some emotional maturity.

Though I suppose that's nothing more than a pipe dream.

I mean, members of the New Dawn Guild and mature? Pfft! Only when hell freezes over.

"Meant no harm?" The silent beauty finally spoke up, and surprise, surprise, she seemed offended. "Would you say the same thing if he had done that to you?"

See?

She's making such a big deal about it.

"I won't know until he actually pulls that prank on me, I'm afraid," I smiled dryly.

A good answer, if I say so myself.

Besides, if someone actually pulled such an epic prank on me, I'd pat their back and shed a tear or two over how far they had come.

Then I'd rip their spine out I mean treat them to celebrate their promotion to 'Epic Prankster'.

"Is that so?" She sighed as her eyes drooped.

Hmm, it would seem she was more hurt by my prank than expected.

Nice.

The plan worked just as I expected.