How to Raise Your Regressor

"If you're okay with it, would you like to join my guild?"

Wut?

Well, well, would you look at this guy.

Is he seriously inviting me to join his guild?

I'm not sure if I should be saying this, but inviting a cursed, suicidal boy you just saved in a forest into your guild without consulting its other executives isn't the most tactical decision, chief.

But why is he doing that? Is he pitying me? Does it break his heart to abandon a pitiful, weak boy such as me who couldn't possibly survive on his own?

Or maybe he wants to save me because one of his comrades faced a similar persecution in his previous 'round'? Perhaps he's doing it because that was what that comrade would have done.

Well, that last one seems like a pretty big leap in my assumptions, but I won't be surprised if that truly was the case.

"Why?" I asked while sounding slightly apprehensive.

That should be an appropriate response considering a complete stranger just asked me- a 12-year-old boy was abandoned by his family- to join his guild.

Azell's eyes widened, as if he was taken aback by my question.

That's right, Regressor boi, I'm not like the other boys who'll cling to you and vigorously nod to joining your guild, even though in my heart I actually want to.

Wait, that sounded wrong on so many levels. What is this, a CEO novel?

Anyway, joining him and his guild should not be so bad. I currently have no place to call my own, and I also have a huge debt to pay him.

However, I have to first determine why exactly he's trying to recruit me. For all I know, he could be planning to sell me to slave traders to earn some quick cash for himself.

"Because I see great potential in you."

"…"

I'm sorry Azell, but if you seriously think that, then you need an eye check-up from this world's best optician.

Forget comrades, this body can't even be a meat shield because of how weak it is.

Or maybe he swings 'that' way. I'm not exactly bragging, but I'm what they call a 'pretty boy'. Perhaps that's the potential Azell sees in me.

Well, this wouldn't be my first time where I'm desired as a slave who serves as an outlet for his master's lustful desires.

I have seen everything in the course of all my lives.

Quite interestingly, statistically speaking, more women bought me as a slave than men did, which is just peak feminism. Considering the Universe as a whole, women have more rights than men. In fact, there are more female Gods than male ones.

Anyway, even if that actually happens, I can just kill Azell, just like I killed most of my previous masters (except those who treated me well, including in bed).

Now, some might wonder how, with this completely useless body, would I kill a Regressor?

Heh.

The answer is simple; it's my body that is trash, not my soul. I have literally lived for billions of years. I know more about these 'energies' than anyone else ever could, even the Gods.

Not that the Gods can ever hope to match me. I'm well versed in over 500000 ways of kicking someone's ass.

So what if my stats are trash? My techniques can more than make up for it.

"So?" Azell once again brought me back from my reveries.

"Give me some time to think about it."

Just then, from the bushes on our right, a monster jumped out. It was fast as fuck and reached within inches of us in the blink of an eye.

My instincts kicked in, but before I could do anything, the monster was already impaled on the ground by an arrow.

Throughout this whole series of events, Azell continued running without even flinching like an absolute champ. I looked diagonally to my left and flashed a thumbs-up to our mysterious saviour.

This should have been Azell's job, but he just continued running; I didn't want to hurt our Saviour and give her strange ideas, like pushing over an unappreciative employer.

"Are you hurt?" Azell asked me.

Dude, how about thanking the girl who just saved us? I mean, sure you didn't really need her protection but there's a thing called courtesy, where you thank people when they do something for you.

We live in a society, man.

"I'm fine. But who killed it?" I looked back at the monster, except I couldn't because Azell's exceptional speed had already brought us very far from its corpse.

"My secretary." He smiled sweetly.

Wow, is he trying to seduce me or something? I'm sure that smile has stolen the hearts of a number of maidens.

No, wait, weren't secretaries supposed to handle the administrative side of the organisation while the Guild Master went out to hunt monsters?

This world's secretaries are wild.

Anyway, my useless thoughts aside, this was getting pretty boring, so much so that I yawned a few times.

"Are you tired?"

"Yeah." I nodded even though I wasn't really tired.

As long as it gets me off his back.

"Alright." He took a hard right to arrive at a clearing in the forest. "Let's take a break here."

"Sure."

He let me down from his back and then waved in another direction. Moments later, a young girl, probably around 18 years old, hopped down from the trees and stood beside Azell.

"Samur, this is Noelle."

"Hello there." I extended my hand towards her.

"Hi." She shook it as her blonde flocks fluttered with her movements. "Who's this boy, Guild Master? Do you know him?"

There was curiosity mixed in with a slight sense of apprehension in her eyes. It seemed that she had more common sense than our Azell here.

She had stolen a glance at my black hairs, but surprisingly she didn't seem to be disgusted or scared by them. Interesting.

Hmm, now that I think about it, I don't know what the so-called curse actually is. It's entirely possible that it's just some bullshit passed down solely in my family and that's why I was discriminated against.

"His life was in danger, so I saved it. He…" He looked at me. "He's our new comrade."

Oh? I thought he would just straightaway reveal to her that I was abandoned by my family in this forest. He either respects my privacy or believes he shouldn't say it in front of me, a 12-year-old.

"What?" Noelle's eyes widened as her gaze alternated between us.

She then shot a glare at me as if asking how exactly I had seduced her dear Guild Master.

See? That's why I told you to consult your executives first. An organisation exists because of its members, so their opinions must be valued as well.

Or maybe, she was just a lost cause who liked Azell.

Time to find out, I guess.

"I haven't decided yet, actually." Her face brightened immediately. "But I'll most probably join because I have nowhere to go." It became gloomy once again.

Easy. From my primary investigation, I can safely say that Noelle wants to keep Azell to herself for some reason. It'll be pretty hasty to say that it's love, so I'll need to investigate some more.

I love drama after all.

"Wait, what do you mean you have nowhere to go?" She asked.

"That…" Azell trailed off, wondering how to answer that question.

Don't worry Azell, this isn't my first time being abandoned. In fact, I have been abandoned in some way or other in about 95% of my lives, including my first one.

…

Wow, that's actually quite sad, isn't it? What the hell have I been doing till now?

Alright, that's enough about my depressing life. Time to move on.

Yes, new life, new me.

"Exactly that. I was left by my family to die here, after all."

I couldn't exactly go back there now, could I? It would be the same as serving them my head on a silver platter.

"What? Why?" She blurted out then bit her lips, realising what an insensitive question that was.

Looks like her EQ isn't one of her strong suits.

"Because of this." I lifted my bangs.

"Oh… I'm sorry." Her head drooped.

Geez, she looks like a puppy abandoned in the rain. Look, even Azell has no idea how to handle this.

Don't worry guys, my EQ is more than both of yours combined. Leave this to me.

"Don't be." I smiled. "In fact, thank you for saving us earlier. And Azell, thank you as well. I wouldn't be here if not for you guys." I gave them a wide, carefree grin.

"…"

"…"

Both of them silently stared at me like I was an exotic animal, then looked at each other and nodded, as if reaching some secret agreement.

It seemed like they were even more determined about something, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was.

…

Hmm, maybe my EQ is actually on the same level as theirs.

"You're welcome, Samur." Noelle squatted in front of me and embraced me. "And welcome to the Guild."

What happened to your vigour from before, Noelle?

Wow.

Whatever, all's well that ends well, I guess. It'll be my loss if I continue dwelling on it.

"Welcome to the Guild." Azell rubbed my head as well.

Umm, guys, in case you are suffering from short-term memory loss, I am in a what they call 'consideration phase'. I have yet to decide whether to join your Guild or not.

Is this one of those protagonist thingies? Where they're so dense that they forget to consider others feelings? Like, bruh.

Whatever. I'll just lose brain cells if I continue thinking about it.

Oh, right. That reminds me.

What if I use that status like skill on myself? Let's try it.

NAME: Samur Eckart

AGE: 12

TEMPERAMENT: Maniac

TITLES: ~information not available~

STRENGTH: 2 (Trash)

AGILITY: 1 (Trash)

ENDURANCE: 1 (Trash)

INTELLECT: 714,874,232,813,496,917,894,974,896,471 (What the fuck?)

Wait, what the hell is with that intellect stat? Is that my Intelligent Quotient? Lemme see. Um, 1, 2, 3… 31.

My IQ is of the same order as the average number of bacterial cells on a planet. Wow.

I might as well start calling myself Samur 'Bigbrain' Eckart now.

Anyway, let's continue reading the rest.

MAGIC: 0.5 (Trash)

SKILL: Eye of Truth

OVERALL: [Samur, I don't know how to say this, but you're just complete trash. Are you seeing those 'Trash' written in brackets after every stat value? Yes, those are their potential for development. The lowest potential used to be 'Common' but we had to update the System with a new patch just for you.

There's no point in making any effort. No matter how hard you work, it will always end in failure. Further development is impossible. Please do this world a favour and give up.

P.S.: The system glitched out and gave you that absurd intellect. We're working on a fix right now so please wait patiently to confirm that even your intellect is in the single digits.]

This motherfucker…