How to Raise Your Regressor

"Enjoy your meal." Said the waitress as she placed my meal on the table.

"Thank you." I replied to her.

Now, time to dig in and vanquish the beastly desire known as hunger.

"Thank you." The girl across from me also expressed her gratitude to the waitress.

The waitress gave an amicable smile and turned around to leave, but did a double take.

Her jaw dropped open and her eyes widened, "I-I didn't realise it was you, Your Majesty!" She sputtered and bowed.

"Ah, please, be at ease." Voloha gave a troubled smile. "Right now, I'm not a Princess. I'm Samur's friend."

Hmm?

"We're friends?"

Since when?

"We're not?" Voloha stared at me.

"…"

"…" Her stare turned into a cold scowl.

Yikes. Now I can't even have my dinner in peace.

Can't have shit in the New Dawn Guild.

"Oh, yes, we're very good friends." I nodded.

It's better to entertain her delusions than get into another mindless banter.

I mean, it's not like she'll use this newfound status of my 'friend' as an excuse to excessively interfere in my life.

"There you have it." She smiled gently at the waitress.

"Y-yes." The latter gave a slight, stiff bow and scurried off.

Sed for her.

Ah, this reminds me, Arteria was just as hungry as me.

Hmmm.

She doesn't seem to be here, so I guess she already ate. Good for her.

⟦⟦You seem to care a lot for her.⟧⟧

[It's only natural to look out for your corporate slave I mean your comrade.]

Also, fuck her for leaving me to deal with Voloha by my lonesome.

⟦⟦Literally or…⟧⟧

[Metaphorically, of course.]

⟦⟦Aren't older women nice, though? I mean, milf.⟧⟧

[She's too old.]

⟦⟦Yea, but she's still hot.⟧⟧

[I won't deny that, but during my millions of lives, I have a really advanced tactic called, 'Keeping my dick in my pants'.]

I can't go lusting after every hot woman I meet. The life of a playboy is amusing to some extent, but I'm not fond of dying by being stabbed in the back by a woman who I thought was just a one-night stand.

⟦⟦Oddly specific.⟧⟧

[Shut the fuck up.]

Anyway.

Let's dig in.

The first dish seems to be a knockoff version of steak. It's medium rare, just like I like it, while some sort of sauce has been poured over it.

I cut a small piece and took a bite.

Hmmmm.

Yup, perfectly ordinary aka the 'normal' I don't want to eat anymore.

Bruh, I want Neia's cooking. Should I hire her as my personal chef or something?

My yearly wage is 5000 Golds, so perhaps I can hire her for 2000 Golds a year?

Hmm, but I don't know the standard wage of a chef in this world, not to mention that Neia's a world class chef, so her salary would be much higher.

Ah, but Neia believes that her cooking is revolting. Perhaps I can take advantage of her low self esteem and hire her for less than minimum wage.

If I play my cards correctly, I might be able to reduce my yearly expenditure by 50%.

Aight, time for Operation Turn-Neia-into-a-minimum-wage-worker.

⟦⟦What are you, a capitalist pig?⟧⟧

[Ez.]

As long as I save money, who cares.

Besides, she should also be getting a salary as extravagant-or perhaps more-as mine. So it's not like I'm ruining her life or something.

Not only would she get a patron who loves her apparently unsavoury cooking, she would also be paid to have her food loved. I, on the other hand, would get dishes that suit my palate.

It's a win-win for everyone.

⟦⟦Wow.⟧⟧

I should first start by determining the average salary of a standard chef of this country, by which I mean I'll just ask the chef of this guild and use that as a reference because his cooking is absolutely average.

⟦⟦If that chef knew that you were dissing him in your mind, he would come out and beat you to death with a fucking ladle.⟧⟧

[Been there, done that.]

⟦⟦Imagine dying to a bitchass ladle. What a fucking loser.⟧⟧

[Heh, if you had any idea of the things I have died to, you wouldn't be saying that.]

⟦⟦Oh my god, what have you done?⟧⟧ He exclaimed. ⟦⟦Hold on, lemme check you record.⟧⟧

[Wait, what?]

Record?

⟦⟦Oh right, you probably don't know, but I have the story of your entire life right here, at my fingertips. Think of it as a library with books which are full of info about you.⟧⟧

[What the fuck? Burn that down!]

⟦⟦No can do. And don't worry, I'm the only one who has access to this library.⟧⟧

[And that is supposed to make me not worry? Bruh, I swear to god I'll shove my foot so far up your ass you'll taste the dirt stuck to its sole.]

⟦⟦Jeezus, so violent. Why so serious?⟧⟧

[Shut the fuck up.]

⟦⟦Alright, alright, geez! What a spoilsport.⟧⟧ He sighed.

Piece of shit smoothbrain.

Anyway-

"You seem to be enjoying yourself."

Come again?

Also, shouldn't you focus on eating your food, Voloha? Did your parents not teach you that talking while eating is bad manners?

⟦⟦Says the guy-⟧⟧

[Shut up.]

I'm talking with a voice inside my head so it's different, okay?

"Enjoying myself?"

"It just looked like that." She smiled.

Huh, reading the room is not one of her specialities, is it?

"I see."

Well, whatever. I'm not here to teach her the basics of Princess 101.

Hmm, but perhaps I could, assuming she gives me a lot of money. 10000 Golds seems about right for having to deal with her.

⟦⟦You're turning into a money whore, huh?⟧⟧

[Wrong.]

⟦⟦Oh?⟧⟧

[The term you're looking for is 'Gold-digger'.]

Life is a constant suffering, and the only source of tangible happiness is money. So if dealing with a pain in the ass for a small part of the day can get me the money to enjoy the rest of it, why not do that?

⟦⟦How profound.⟧⟧

"Say, how-"

"Hmm? Who are you?" A lethargic voice came from behind me. "Never seen you before."

I looked back and found a middle-aged man standing there. He was wearing an old-fashioned white robe. With a gaze that was as sharp as a, I dunno, a blade or some shit, while his hairs were starting to turn white.

⟦⟦What a keen observation.⟧⟧

[I'm always observant of my surroundings.]

Me not knowing what my comrades look like? Pfft, those were the old days, baby.

As I said earlier, new heart, new me.

"I'm Samur, one of the newest recruits of this Guild. Pleased to make your acquaintance." I replied politely.

This was a staff only cafeteria (it was more like a restaurant though; someone either wanted good food or wanted some waitresses aka maids), so this middle-aged man was more likely than not one of the members of this guild.

While amusing, making a bad first impression would not be the most tactical decision.

"Ahh, YOU are Samur." His eyes widened.

"Yes, so it would seem."

Unless Azell had secretly hired another 'Samur', I was the only Samur he could have heard of.

Hmm.

⟦⟦But what if Azell had?⟧⟧

[Nah, I don't think so…]

⟦⟦But what if he did hire another Samur?⟧⟧

[…You got me there.]

But why would Azell do so? What reason could there be behind hiring two persons with the same names?

Given the man's reaction upon seeing me and knowing that I'm Samur, it should be safe to assume that he has never seen 'Samur' before.

This means that the other Samur was either hired recently or he was kept in the shadows till now.

If it's the latter, it would make sense for the man to express surprise upon seeing me.

But why would the other Samur stay behind the scenes?

I mean, if the commoners know his name, then he's definitely not doing a good job of playing the part of a secretive plotter.

Fucking noob.

If it's former, then-

"You are the new Head of the Research Department." The man nodded in understanding.

⟦⟦Pfft!⟧⟧

…

Well, there goes all my theorizing.

But does that mean, with absolute certainty, that Azell has not hired another Samur, planning to use him for his nefarious plans?

Nay!

⟦⟦What are you, a conspiracy theorist?⟧⟧

[Yes.]

Vaccines being able to prevent potentially deadly diseases by making someone immune to said disease, ultimately wiping out that disease from the face of earth, with the only side effect being fewer dead children?

Nah man, they cause autism.

⟦⟦They're also a way for the rich to insert microchips in our system to control every aspect of our life.⟧⟧

[Ah yes, I forgot about that.]

Also, when is this faggot going to stop reading my thoughts? I need to erect some defences.

Now, for the third time of the day, 'anyway'.

"So it would seem." I replied to the middle-aged man.

Voloha was silently listening to our conversation, but she seemed a bit miffed over being interrupted.

These are the times when you have to use your authority as the ruling class of this country, Voloha.

"I see." His eyes twitched a bit. "So you're the piece of shit who got an executive position by getting in the good graces of the Guild Master."

Wow.