I Really Don’t Want to Be a Stepping Stone for the Protagonist

(Talk about real life and family affairs, if you don’t want to read it, you can skip it)

This is the first time I have experienced the death of an old man. It seems very depressing, and it seems to be a kind of family connection. I want to cry, but I can't cry!

I am the only eldest grandson in my family. There are some things that I can’t tell my grandmother who is alone, nor my parents who are getting old. The only close relative is my wife who hasn’t been married for a hundred days, and I love her even more. Unable to speak.

I can only write out what is in my heart and share it with you and me who are not connected in front of the screen.

This can be regarded as a memory of my grandfather, and it can also be regarded as a memory of me, a memoir.

There is no charge for this chapter. If you want to listen to it, let’s continue to read. If you don’t want to, you can skip it directly.

In my memory, my grandfather has always been the image of a little old man.

He is a native of Northeast farmers.

But he doesn't have the hot temper of Northeast people, even I have never seen my grandpa lose his temper.

Grandma and grandpa have never quarreled in their entire lives. Even if they quarreled, it was only grandma losing her temper, and grandpa would not say a word.

Among the fragments of my deepest memory, I remember that my grandfather lost his temper. It was my father talking back to my grandfather at the dinner table, and my grandfather said something that I taught my son.

The fragment is blurry and I can't remember it anymore, but according to my guess, it should be that my father looked down on what my grandfather did when he was young, and said something to complain about his grandfather.

Indeed, objectively speaking, my father's ability is superior to that of my grandfather.

When my grandfather was a few years old, he lost my grandpa and grandma.

If I remember correctly, it was nine years old. Grandpa was still breastfeeding in Tai Nai's arms, and Tai Nai passed away.

In the words of my old mother: "Your grandpa has a big heart, you are still breastfeeding, you don't even know it's too cold."

The dead are the greatest, and I am not slandering my grandfather, but this is a part of life, a part of the truth, and no one can erase a part of it.

Grandpa grew up eating a lot of food, and the hardships we have suffered in this life are unknown to our generation. They have never taken wedding photos, no marriage certificates, or even honeymoon, which was extremely rare at that time, of course Without this money, after all, a full stomach is still a problem.

Except for his grandfather who went to Harbin for hemorrhoid surgery, the farthest distance he has traveled is probably from the village to the city.

He has never lived in a building for a day, and he has never even seen my wedding room.

Grandpa was able to marry my grandma because he concealed the fact that he was six years older than my grandma, so he became the son-in-law.

This kind of upside-down door is not what we say, the children are all with their maiden names, and it's just for the elderly.

After all, none of my grandpa's three children took my grandma's last name.

Of course, these are my understanding.

The things about my grandfather's youth were all told by my grandma, father, and mother. I don't know the specific things.

I remember being shocked when I saw the ID cards of my grandparents when I was young.

I asked: "Grandma, grandpa is six years older than you, why did you marry him?"

Grandma said: "Your grandfather concealed his age back then, otherwise I would not be able to marry."

I asked, "So do you want to spend time with him?"

I can't remember what grandma said later, but the general meaning is just what to do? She is no longer a big girl with yellow flowers. Of course, this includes some of my adult understanding.

I didn't understand these things at the time, I just glanced at my grandfather's ID card curiously.

That was the first generation ID card, a black and white photo, made of plastic.

I remember that my grandparents had black hair at that time.

Grandpa's photo is almost black, because the hair and beard are already very long.

I don't remember what my grandfather's face looked like when he was young, and I don't have this impression at all.

It may be that the photo was too old at that time, and I could only see the hair and beard, or I could see it clearly, and it has faded from my memory as time goes by.

When the production team was separated, grandpa was driving an ox cart to farm, or he went out to do something. In short, he was not there, and the rest of the production team had already divided the cattle, horses, farm tools and other things equally. Of course, this does not include my grandpa.

When my grandfather came back, he found that there was already a cow case left in the warehouse.

Because of my age, I don't know much about this thing, and I haven't seen this thing before. The name was added by myself based on my own understanding. This thing should not be called a cow cover.

According to the description of the parents, this thing should be the wood on the ox. You should ask the old man to know.

I don't know if grandpa was angry at the time, but he just tied up the cow and took back this worthless thing that no one wanted.

My grandma was also a very kind person. At that time, I didn't know whether grandma scolded grandpa for being worthless, or used her usual saying: "Fools grow up big."

When I was growing up, I asked my grandma, and my grandma said, what’s the point of getting angry? I didn’t see them getting rich, and we didn’t starve to death.

According to my understanding, it is impossible not to be angry, but the character of grandparents is this kind of indifference to the world.

They often say that a loss is a blessing, but my personality is a bit like my mother's, and I am the kind of petty person. So until now, I can't understand how my grandparents endured this tone.

The village head (he is an official in the village anyway, so I don’t know who the village head is) sent his grandfather to watch the grain. He was alone all night, and the amount of grain in the grain depot could not be counted.

Many people were sent to watch the food at night. At that time, everyone did not have enough to eat, and many people secretly took out a bag or two of food. It was impossible to find out.

You must know that there were three children in my grandfather's family at the time, and my father's second child could not eat rice and white noodles at all. What he ate most was potatoes and corn. Corn is called bangmi in Northeast dialect, transliterated.

My mother often scolded my father in the early years: "Eat help Mira help rice."

Eating corn every day is of course not digestible, and if you don’t digest it, you will pull out one by one.

This is not a disgusting person, it is a fact, and I have a deep understanding when I was a child.

At that time, my grandfather was looking at the food, but he didn't take a bag back home.

I think this is not to say that my grandfather is of noble character, but that he was afraid of being discovered, so he didn't take it.

Faced with so much rice and white noodles, and the whole grains that his wife and children eat are still not enough, who is not tempted?

I am definitely excited.

Maybe grandpa is the kind of person who is not greedy for petty gain. It is because my structure is too small. I don't know these things, but the fact is true, grandpa didn't take it.

I was in elementary school at the time, and it is no exaggeration to say that my grades have always been the first in a stable number, of course the first in positive numbers.

I was able to score 100 points in Keke, which made my grandparents very happy, saying that I will be a college student in the future.

My childhood dream was also to be a college student.

The dream of growing up has come true, pheasant university, college student!

But at that time, I became the bragging rights of the elders.

After the autumn harvest, there is a good harvest of grain.

Grandpa sold several bags of grain to neighbors.

Grandpa and grandma are not very literate, so they ask me to settle accounts, add, subtract, multiply and divide decimal points, these are no longer difficult for me. So settle accounts with me.

The biggest problem with me is that I am sloppy. Up to now, I can still put the key in the door and go out.

There was a miscalculation of five dollars.

At that time, five yuan was considered a lot.

After the money and goods were cleared, it was found that five yuan was missing. Grandpa and grandma went to look for it, but the other party refused to admit it!

You must know that this is a neighbor. A distant relative is not as good as a close neighbor. Just for five yuan, you have to deny it with a backhand.

If he is a village tyrant, or someone with some power in the village, how dare this neighbor do such a thing. After returning home, if he finds that he has undercounted by five yuan, he will send it over.

I am the kind of person who loves to hold grudges, and I will remember this incident for the rest of my life.

However, the grandparents didn't take it seriously, and the two sides continued to communicate. When there was something big or small, grandma always bought a few catties of eggs and gave them as gifts.

But if it were me, I wouldn't be at their house anymore, if you trick me, can I still play with you?

But grandpa and grandma always taught me that suffering is a blessing.

They may automatically shield others from being bad to them, and always think of others' good.

And this kind of way of life, one life is a lifetime.

My grandfather has already drawn a full stop, but my grandma is still a question mark, and if I don’t know if it’s appropriate, it will also become a full stop.

Of course, the three things I mentioned are the most true stories, and they are also the three things that I know my grandfather remembers most completely when he was young.

What I said is not to say how noble my grandparents were, or to complain how cowardly my grandparents were when they were young.

They are just a member of this world, the most responsible and honest people.

This is already an attempt to bully honest people in society.

A bear is a kind of animal, but when speaking to a person in Northeast dialect, it means that this person is too useless, unproficient, and poor.

My grandpa was one of those people.

If it were me, I can say generously that if the production team divides the family property, I must have a share.

I must be stealing food. Of course, I know that this idea is wrong, but at that time, it was a happy thing to be able to eat potatoes.

You must return the five dollars to me. If you don’t pay me back, I will harm your family’s five dollars. Even if you steal me, you will steal back five dollars’ worth of things!

Maybe I don’t know how my grandparents live. I’m still young, and I’m emotionally extreme. I’m also a newcomer who just started living a life. I’m still figuring out life experience.

To sum up, the above is the life of grandpa, but the following things are family scandals, great family scandals! ! !

It is for this reason that I have to post this article, and I want to find someone to vent.

In 2014, when I was still in high school and was dawdling around, my grandfather fell ill and became paralyzed.

When I heard that my grandfather was paralyzed, I felt like the world was falling apart.

I have the best relationship with my grandpa.

Since I was a child, I lived and ate at my grandfather's house, and my parents went out to work. Grandpa is the memory of my childhood.

Chinese tunic suit in spring and autumn, red vest in summer and an open-button T-shirt similar to the summer gentleman's outfit. In winter, I wear a woolen vest with a padded jacket made by my grandma, or a padded jacket I bought, and a Chinese tunic suit for the coat.

These are the clothes of Grandpa Four Seasons, and his Chinese tunic suit was also burned to ashes in the fire in front of his grave yesterday.

When I saw my grandfather, his state was the same as before, nothing different, except that his speech was a little unclear.

Grandma said that Grandpa sat on the kang and fell directly to the ground.

At that time, my grandfather could still get up by himself, saying that he was old, but who would have thought that it was a sign of hemiplegia. In the afternoon, my grandfather had already collapsed on the kang and couldn't get up.

For nearly seven years, grandpa has been lying on the kang, and grandma has always been waiting on him, carrying feces and urinating. The little old lady back then was so tired that she became skinny and bent over after serving her away.

In these years, except for my father who often went to serve my grandfather, the remaining aunts and old aunts can basically count the number of times they come back with their fingers.

From that year on, I will celebrate the New Year with my grandparents.

Grandpa still had the energy to hit me and quarrel with me at that time.

What a nostalgic time that was.

At that time, I never thought about what would happen to me if my grandfather died, and would I know these questions. At that time, I seemed really far away.

I often dream that my grandpa cooks for me like a normal person.

Dreams are reversed, this sentence is correct.

Grandpa can't cook, nor is he like a normal person.

It should be 19 years. Grandpa fell while walking while holding on to the wall. This time it was very serious. Grandma called directly and said that grandpa might not be able to die.

This is the first time I think of the horror of death!

At that time, I didn't have a date yet. When I thought that my grandfather didn't even see his grandson-in-law, he didn't even see his great-grandson. He suffered hardships all his life, didn't enjoy a day of blessings, and being a grandson didn't even do a day of filial piety. It's a pity. , really sorry!

Afterwards, grandma called again, saying that my grandpa had recovered, which made people feel at ease.

Because there is no bus to go back, we are going to get up early tomorrow and go home.

That night, I stayed up all night, thinking of death, thinking of death, and the regret of not fulfilling my filial piety.

After the fall this time, Grandpa couldn't stand up completely, and it was impossible to walk while supporting the wall, but he still has the ability to perceive, his mind is clear, and his body is still quite handsome.

My grandfather's spirit is very good, which makes me forget about death.

Old people don't often say, seventy-three eighty-four, the king of Hades won't tell him to go.

I used to be a writer of supernatural novels, and with my own personal experience, I believe this kind of superstition.

I naively thought that if the hurdle of 73 has passed, I can live to the hurdle of 84.

My grandfather had already passed the age of 73 that year, but he did not make it to the age of 84.

In order to take care of it conveniently, and my grandparents are really old, so my father paid for a bungalow for my grandma near my home.

It's very close to my home.

I can often see my grandfather, this is the greatest gratification in my life.

On November 16, 2020, I got married. The only regret is that my grandpa can no longer participate and cannot see my new house. We can't take a family portrait once.

The only family photo was when I was still in my arms, with grandpa, grandma, my father, my mother, and me in my arms.

February 10, 2021, tomorrow will be the Chinese New Year. This is the first year my daughter-in-law has lived in this house.

I asked my grandpa, "Grandpa, can you go to my house for the Chinese New Year? Let your eldest son pick you up and give you a taxi to take me to my house. Can we celebrate the New Year together?"

"Row."

At this moment, when I tap this keyboard, I think of my grandfather's words still in my mind, one word contains how much he longs to be able to see the children and grandchildren in the New Year.

Grandma wanted to be strong, but she said that she would not go, because grandpa now sometimes wets the bed, and grandma is afraid that when eating, my grandpa will suddenly urinate on his pants or pull them up, which will make everyone have a bad year.

I want to praise my daughter-in-law for this, she has never disliked my grandpa. She was originally a person with a heart (sound), and she basically couldn't do it in the squatting pit in the countryside, and retched when she smelled it.

But my grandfather's house was full of urine smell, she could still hold back and talk to my grandfather.

It is my good fortune to marry her.

On February 11, 2021, I went to call my grandma again in the morning, but my grandma said that she really didn't want to go.

On the morning of February 12, 2021, when I went to pay New Year's greetings, my grandfather hummed in a loud voice, just like I used to go to my grandfather's arms to pay New Year's greetings and get lucky money.

It's really strange, I didn't think of so many things in my mind at the time, but now all the pictures really flashed in my mind like a movie.

People really know how to cherish only when they lose it.

Grandpa couldn't sit still today, and his body was hunched over. Grandma said that grandpa basically didn't eat all day yesterday.

I fed my grandpa four dumplings for more than an hour.

At that time I didn't think Grandpa would leave me.

On February 14, 2021, I took my wife to visit my grandpa today. Grandpa couldn’t speak clearly and was confused. When I asked him who I was, he called my dad’s name.

After returning home, my wife finished talking to my father and went again that night, this time calling my mother Li Haixia.

Li Haixia is my old aunt's name.

Mom said: "If you call someone by name, you miss that person. His old lady has not said to come back to see dad for so many years. Does he still miss it?"

On February 16, 2021, after dinner, my parents and my wife visited grandpa.

Grandpa is already very serious today, so serious that he can't hear what he said, but he does speak again, but no one can understand it anymore.

Blink when you ask whoever you think of.

Ask the big girl, wink, ask the old girl, wink.

When we chatted and talked about who we wanted to wink, Grandpa just blinked desperately.

When leaving, Mom said to Dad: "You see, these two girls of Dad are pure white-eyed wolves. They never said to serve Dad for a day. When his old girl comes back, you see that the old lady has to serve her from bowl to bowl, you say Now why does he still say he misses his big girl, old lady?"

Father was silent for a moment and said, "Our father may be dying!"

When I heard this, I couldn't help but thump. After all, this matter is still coming, and it's coming too fast, and I haven't prepared it yet.

On February 17, 2021, my mother called and said that grandpa was dying, so she rushed there and found that there was no serious problem.

Grandma said that she called grandpa today and found that grandpa's eyes were closed tightly, and it looked like he was going to die. But when father arrived, grandpa opened his eyes. Physical condition is the same as yesterday.

At 7 o'clock in the morning on February 18, 2021, lying on the bed, my wife said that she saw a man standing at the door yesterday, hunched over and bowing to her.

I said she had a nightmare, but she said it was real. I slept so badly, she saw a figure bowing to her, she didn’t dare to call me loudly, I couldn’t wake up, so she pretended to be brave enough to turn on the flashlight of her mobile phone, and found no one, but when she turned it off, she found that there was still someone bowing and bowing, so she was so scared that she was covered by the quilt, Then the person disappeared.

I say don't be superstitious.

After speaking, I fell asleep again.

I vaguely heard the phone vibrate and woke up. It was my mother calling. Seeing that my mother missed several calls, my mother said: "Your grandpa is going to die first, so he refused to answer your call. He was in a hurry. There is nothing else to do now. .”

So he and his wife hurriedly dressed and visited grandpa, only to find that grandpa was panting heavily like listening to a bellows, and it seemed that he was really going to run out of fuel.

Grandma said: "Yesterday, I still didn't eat, so I said you missed your big girl, old lady, your girl and the others are rushing back, you should eat something quickly, so that they can wait until they come back. That's not bad. Yes, I ate some cake and drank a few mouthfuls of milk."

When I went home, I was in a low mood, just like this day, it was snowing heavily.

Mom said: "Your father and I still have to earn money, and your father only has a few days left. You should spend more time with your father and do your filial piety for your father."

I have to thank my mother, if it wasn't for her reminder, it might be the last time I saw my grandpa in the morning.

I played novels until after two o'clock in the afternoon, and after getting dressed at half past two, I went to visit my grandfather.

I asked Grandpa: "Are you uncomfortable?"

Grandpa was speechless, but he gestured at his body with his already emaciated hands, implying that he felt uncomfortable.

I said, "Does your whole body feel uncomfortable?"

Grandpa didn't do anything, which means that his whole body is uncomfortable.

Grandpa expressed that he wanted to help him up. As soon as my grandma and I helped him up a little, my grandpa leaned his head directly on my arm. I thought grandpa was watching the door.

I said, "Grandpa, what are you looking at?"

Grandpa didn't say anything, when I looked at his eyes, they were already wide open, as if they were rolling their eyes, but they didn't roll their eyes, they were wide open.

My voice was trembling, and I said, "Grandma, grandma, take a quick look at my grandpa, my grandpa may be dying."

Seeing this, grandma quickly said, "Quickly, put your grandpa on the kang."

Then he put grandpa down again and rubbed his chest for a long time, grandpa took a breath.

Looking at Grandpa's appearance, he resisted the urge to cry.

Grandma shouted: "You can't die now, don't you miss your girl, you have to wait until your girl comes back."

Grandpa said he would wait for them to come back.

At about four o'clock, my father came over and took care of my grandfather together.

Because the wife said in the morning that she bowed alone yesterday, she said that she was afraid of being alone at home after dark.

My father and I were at five o'clock, ready to go home.

But grandpa started whining, expressing that he would not let him go.

How I wish I hadn't left at that time, if I hadn't left, I would have seen Grandpa for the last time and stayed by his side.

Unfortunately, there is no if. This cruel fact is unacceptable.

Father tricked grandpa into sweeping the yard, and grandpa let him go.

At 7:55 p.m., Mom called and said that Grandpa was really going to die.

I ran with my wife and found that my father, mother, and grandma were wearing shrouds.

Grandpa opened his eyes slightly, and seemed to move again. At this moment, he is no longer alive.

No one told me that grandpa had left, I did feel his eyes move again, and I quickly called out, "Grandpa, grandpa, look at me!"

But my father said, "Don't shout."

Because this is a rented house, it is not good for others to cry and shout.

I wasn't screaming anymore, I just watched my father, mother, and grandma dress grandpa calmly.

do i want to cry I don't know, I don't know what I was thinking at the time. I just looked at grandpa, and I thought that grandpa would suddenly be able to take a breath, even if he came back and said his last words.

Withdraw the money with his wife, and add more than 8,000 to the usual pocket money.

I suddenly regretted why I bought a mobile phone for my wife today, otherwise WeChat would really be able to scrape together more than 10,000 yuan.

If it is not enough, you can only go to the bank tomorrow to use the dead time.

after come back.

See Mr. Yin Yang.

Mr. Yin Yang is a grandfather whose eyes are closed and mouth is open.

He closed his eyes with his hands, and opened them again.

Mr. Yin Yang said: "Son, go and close your father's eyes."

My dad went to get together and muttered: "Dad, you can go at ease, don't worry, I will support my mother."

Eyes closed.

Mr. Yin Yang said: "You can't believe it, it's really evil."

When grandpa died, he opened his eyes and opened his mouth. He heard that his jaw had fallen off. He probably wanted it to be his last words. Grandpa's last words must have been to take good care of my grandma.

The above remarks are all facts in the eyes, and do not promote feudal superstition.

Pull the grandfather's body back to the village entrance, indicating that the dead cannot enter the village.

So three or four hundred meters in front of the ancestral grave, a spiritual shed was set up.

Here comes the funniest joke ever.

At this moment, it is around ten o'clock.

The aunt who was away rushed back.

Weeping directly: "Father, why did you leave like this..."

After two beeps, there was no sound.

As a junior, I really don't want to blackmail my elders, but I haven't raised my grandfather once in these years, and the money I have spent in the past seven years is counted, but I can guarantee that it has not exceeded 10,000.

The old aunt came back even more, without taking a penny.

Of course, my grandma has received the land subsidy for several years, and there is some talk about it, but it is not something that people are willing to give, and I have to go back several years ago.

After that, the aunt left and said that the car would be brought over later to warm up the guardian. The voice was extremely reluctant.

From ten o'clock in the evening to three o'clock in the morning of the next day, the car appeared.

Help grandpa keep the incense and burn paper, and tell grandpa the intimate words of our two fathers. A whirlwind appeared in the paper cone, and people said that it was Grandpa who had withdrawn the money.

Find a room to warm up for a while. Come out to see Auntie.

The uncle of the grandfather's house said to the aunt who just came: "You burn some paper and cry a few times."

Auntie: "Everyone is dead, why cry?"

That's roughly what I heard.

My heart is cold. People say that after death, the soul is still in the body and can hear outside voices.

Grandpa, you are alive, so take a good look at the girls you miss day and night. The eldest girl came back, but the old girl was never seen.

At 7:10 a.m. on February 20, 2021, the sky was clear and the spirit was up.

My father was walking in front carrying the streamer. I was behind the coffin and suddenly found that my father was hunched over and his figure was extremely lonely. Although he didn't cry, this kind of thing can only be experienced between men.

Maybe my father and I feel the same way now.

But how am I feeling now?

have no idea.

I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't.

very calm.

Grandpa was buried in the pit, behind the old grandpa and grandpa, grandpa and grandma.

Everything is restored.

Everything works as usual.

It's just that there is one less person on the kang who has been lying on the kang all year round, and one more grave bag in the ancestral grave, that's all.

Go home by car.

The grandma said: "When your grandma passed away, your grandfather often said, Mom is really unlucky, look at how much better life is now, with a big TV, rice and white noodles, but Mom left. "

"Your father is not blessed either. Now that the national policy has changed, it doesn't cost money to treat diseases, but your father left."

I didn't speak, just looked at the scenery outside the window.

Yeah, everything changed for the better, but the regret stayed.

I looked at my aunt, there was no sadness at all, anyway, I didn't see any sadness.

Grandpa, I want to ask you, are these really the two girls you think about day and night?

Your eldest girl is here, your old lady first said that she finished the nucleic acid test, and came back on the 21st. After hearing that you passed away, she directly said that she had already boarded the car, but in the afternoon when you were buried, she said, since you have already been buried, you will be safe. , then she will not come back. She hasn't done nucleic acid yet.

Grandpa, you have endured hardships and hardships all your life, and in the end your children will not give you everything.

They are all your own flesh and blood!

Grandpa, I hope you will take good care of them in heaven, keep an eye on them.

At this moment, I would rather believe that there is a soul.

Grandson wishes grandpa a good journey. May there be an afterlife where I am your grandson.

Written at 11:30 on February 20, 2021

Ends at 4:35 on February 21, 2021