Magic card gods

I have been reading novels for the past few days, or I should say I have been reading novels for years. Old bookworm.

I have a very bad habit. When I read a novel, I have to read it. If I don’t listen to it, I don’t have any time planning. Not to mention code words, even eating is too troublesome for me, and I stay up late every day. I often delay code words because of reading novels, ashamed.

But the reason why I write novels is because I like to read them, so I can’t help it.

I have always wanted to find a part-time job or something, but I have been away from society for a long time, and I don't know how to integrate. It's not impossible to rely on code words to support myself. After all, my expenses are very low, my desires are low and I am Buddhist, and I don't even have the idea of ​​​​marriage in my 30s.

It's just that if codewords are regarded as the reliance of life and source of income, then the pressure will come.

This feeling is in contradiction with the desire to tell, build a world, and tell a good story when I first wrote a novel. When a hobby turns into a career, many problems arise.

In fact, these things can be overcome, but there is one thing that makes me very confused and has always been uncomfortable.

I have been reading novels for more than ten years, and I am quite picky now. The novels I can read are either well-written, or novel, or pioneering themes... Compared with these people, I feel that I am a scum.

The novel I read in the past few days is a book written in 2014, with a very small subject matter. When I read it at the very beginning, I could also detect many deficiencies of the author, and there were many uncomfortable places. But I can see that they are getting better and better, and the writing is getting better and better. Now they are already masters.

Looking at myself again, I have written three books, almost four years, but there has been no major improvement and no progress. I can't help but wonder if I have the ability to eat this meal.

If it really doesn't work, just change the industry, but it's too high to be low. If you want to improve, things backfire; if you want to give up, you are not reconciled.

I am also very aware of many of my own problems, but I have not been able to overcome them, and I feel very disappointed. And wasted time.

Especially during the October 1st holiday, two high school classmates got married and had to go to the wedding. Thinking of people gradually getting on the right track, I really feel uncomfortable.

I am thirty years old this year, middle-aged. As a result, nothing was achieved, and it was fine if they were unhappy, and they did not earn any money. What kind of identity and what attitude should I live this life in the future? I am confused and decadent. You're going to live on the margins of society!

Whether a person's life is long or short, most people don't understand it, and it is neither meaningful nor happy. But I don't want to live like this! The way of life of the father's generation can only be called living, not living.

Sometimes I also think about being able to write a novel with tens of thousands of subscriptions, and then I will learn from those great masters, and write tens of thousands of words a month. Instead of rushing to the market every day like now, I am very tired, and the joy of coding is gone.

uncomfortable...

Don't worry about complaining. Who let me have this place to vent, at least not in the circle of friends or QQ space. It's also very good~

I hope that I can calm down and prepare for the next book, platform, theme, outline, rhythm... to write a novel that I can tell the title of the book to my acquaintances calmly.

May you all gain understanding and live a happy life!

2020/9/13