My Pick Up Artist System

Ben stood under a restaurant canopy, watching heavy rain blasting down onto the city; his frown even harsher than the weather.

Even all the hot sauce he poured on the chicken kebab he just ate couldn't wash away the bad taste in his mouth. 'What the hell?!? There was nothing on the news about this!'

Ben knew what this would mean for his evening. Rain this early was a nightlife killer, making people stay home, which would close his window of opportunity. 'Is this karmic revenge for Katie? Damn cloud jizz…'

Now Ben would have to trudge through the rain to return to his dorm in order to get his umbrella and change his wet clothes. The worst part was there wasn't anything he could do. Despite the pessimistic circ.u.mstances, he didn't have a choice but to go out and try his luck at bars. It didn't matter that his chances were terrible because Zeus was dropping loads…

…

Thinking about it further, Ben became angry, but he had no way to get his revenge on the culprit—Storm…because he didn't have Halle Berry's address…

So he could only curse at her mouthpiece. He pointed at the sky and screamed, "Goddamn you weatherman! I curse you!!!"

...

"Get out my shop, you crazy!" A Middle Eastern man with an apron yelled at Ben from behind a counter.

Ben ignored it. He was attempting to come up with ideas to salvage the night, but was shooting blanks…

With no better alternative, he trekked through the rainfall, starting his journey to search for women at the local bars.

***

On the other side of town, an obese weatherman was in an upper-class restaurant dining on a steak dinner. It was a well-deserved reward for his recent hard work. Classical music produced the perfect ambiance to compliment the succulent tenderloin rolling around his mouth. Then, out of nowhere, he sneezed…

His male friend across the table watched a random anime 20 years ago...so he knew what this meant, and chuckled. "Someone must be talking about you…"

...

The friend blinked at the lack of response. "Rick?"

Suddenly, the weatherman shot up from his chair and grabbed his own throat with both hands. His mouth opened as if he was trying to scream, but only a twisted gurgle escaped. "ECCHHH! ACCHHH!"

...

The weatherman's face turned purple! He was choking to death!

Everyone nearby gasped in shock! Noone responded except a quick-thinking waiter who ran up and gave him the Heimlich!

A piece of meat flew out of the weatherman's mouth…saving his life…

He almost died to the Japanese sneezing curse!

…

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, the weatherman included, who held his chest to calm down. He looked at his friend across the table. "Dear god, I almost died. Scott, did you see that?"

…

Scott didn't answer, because he was standing up holding his throat. "ECCHHH! ACCHHH!"

...

The piece of steak had flown from the weatherman and into his friend's gasping mouth!

His face turned purple! He was choking to death!

Luckily, the waiter was already experienced!

He saved the day once again...

Scott almost died to the Heimlich food-spitting curse!

It was fortunate there wasn't a third choking incident, but the conditions weren't right. Noone gasped in shock this time because they'd seen the weatherman choking already...and they were tired of this trope...

***

A few hours later…

Ben was standing in the street outside his dorm with rain falling down his face…alone…

He went out and tried his best but it was a total failure. It was a weeknight so it wasn't going to be booming in the first place, but once it started pouring, that was the night's death knell. Everyone stayed in or went home early. Ben jumped from bar to bar but they were either empty, closed, or lacked decent prospects.

One notable thing about the evening was even though the attractive girls stayed home, it hadn't stopped a decent amount of thirsty guys from trying their luck. This created additional negative factors. It worsened Ben's odds by producing an awful male to female ratio, and created a gross atmosphere for the women. A desperate guy even opened a bartender with the line "Out of all the animals in the world, which one's ass would you eat?"

…

On an interesting note—that guy was Ben…

…

It was him trying his daily divine line on her. With what happened the last time he used the skill, Ben thought it might be better to choose an unconventional option. It's too bad the bartender didn't react as expected…

Her response was trying to force him to leave his tip...and this isn't referring to money...

After dodging a knife...Ben returned to his dormitory and creeped the halls…but everyone stayed inside their rooms. Midterms were coming up and people were busy studying.

So now, Ben was outside, under the rain, cursing his misfortune. Why'd he do something so cliche? Because he read that web publishers said cliches were good...

And were even throwing contests to reward them…

Also, he hoped a spectating sponsor would take pity on him during these Thirst Games...

Then, maybe a parachute would come down with a love potion to help him…

What this sponsor would get out of it? The altruistic satisfaction…of being a plot device…

...

Exhausted, Ben trudged his way through street puddles to the edge of the park. His hazy eyes gazed at something nearby, what some would call a potential target…

A trace of madness emerged in his eyes…He couldn't take it anymore!

He ran forward and hugged the target with all his might!

Compelled by circ.u.mstances, Ben was turning heel!

Why should he care anymore?!? R.a.p.e was a popular tag in web publishing…

And if it went by the formula, the target would soon fall in love with him anyway…

As if proving the novels were realistic after all, the target didn't scream…or resist at all…

Because it was a tree…

…

With a crazed expression, Ben released loud mocking laughter into the night air. "Damn system! Even if you kill me, I wanted to prove you wrong! When you first arrived, you said a tree might reject me! Well, you were wrong! Look at daddy now!!!"

...

The system remained silent which only angered Ben further. "What do you have to say, huh? This is how far I've come! Can you see my character development now?!?"

…

"WITNESSS MEEEEEE!"

…

Ruthless to the enemy and ruthless to himself!

Ben became a literal tree-hugger…in order to deliver a double faceslap-KO: to the system, and himself...

...

With death approaching, Ben was losing his mind…and despite the tree accepting him, he still felt hollow...