Pastor's Tantra

This was the first time Aiwass saw Isabel crying and shedding tears.

But there was no sadness or fear in her cries. On the contrary, Aiwass was able to capture a sense of reassurance and warmth from it.

——The first thing Aiwass thought of was the diary that Isabel once showed him.

In the diary in which the members of the "Du Lac" family left traces of their lives in turn, the first two sentences left by Isabel, who was only nine years old, were:

"I am really scared……"

"Dad said, I can cry..."

At that time, Isabel, who was immersed in the fear of death, was so lonely and scared. She had no idea that the person Queen Sophia wanted to keep the most was her - from Isabel's point of view, the gradually dying relatives were like a sharp blade hanging high in the air that could fall at any time.

She couldn't laugh no matter what.

——So I could only cry.

Later, even the "father" mentioned in the diary escaped from the glass island quietly. Isabel was completely alone.

It's like being on a cliff with only a single wooden bridge under your feet. Just looking down into the abyss will make you dizzy and weak.

In the fear of dying at some unknown time, even his biological father chose to leave him. Isabel was able to continue to maintain her pure and kind heart, and she did her best without being distorted by fear.

And the person who made Isabel no longer fearful and cry was Aiwass.

Aiwass rescued Isabel from the darkness and helped her wear the crown and become the queen of Avalon.

Since she is a queen, she must give people confidence. The Queen has no right to cry because she cannot show any weakness in front of people.

Now it was Aiwass who could make her cry loudly again.

Aiwass's eyes gradually softened.

At first he just comforted Isabel, laughed at her softly, and coaxed her gently. But at some point, he also felt that his eyes were a little wet.

Aiwass also thought of something.

He thought of the scarf that Queen Sofia gave him, of Isabel's bright smile on the day she drew her portrait for the first time, and of Isabel's beautiful shining eyes when she handed the diary to him.

Afterwards, Aiwass suddenly thought of the day the two met for the first time.

She also used the identity of "Lulu" to meet her under the identity of her biological mother, "Anne Alexander".

Aiwass thought of the gentle smile on her face when she carefully took "little Aiwass" from her arms, and the lullaby she sang a cappella as she softly coaxed him to sleep.

...Now that I think about it carefully, maybe it’s not that Lulu’s lullaby is too powerful. Only then did he almost hypnotize himself.

Although Isabel's singing talent is indeed outstanding, without the bonus of path characteristics, she cannot easily hypnotize Aiwass.

I'm afraid it's because...Aiwass longed for that kind of love.

Isabel's gentle lullaby may not penetrate into the heart of a restless person...but for a heart that has been dry for a long time, it is just a spring breeze and drizzle.

If the wine is not intoxicating, everyone will get drunk.

For Aiwass, the lullaby that "Lulu" sang when she coaxed "little Aiwass" to sleep was exactly the bedside song that he wanted to hear from the bottom of his heart.

The summer evening breeze blew through the window, ringing the wind chimes.

And he was being held in his mother's arms, enjoying the carefree happiness of childhood. There is no anxiety about the future in the child's eyes, only hope for tomorrow.

Aiwass slowly hugged Isabel tighter.

Gradually, Aiwass's comforting voice stopped. Isabel's crying gradually stopped.

The two of them hugged each other quietly, and time flew by.

Smell the fragrance of the hair and feel the warmth in your arms.

In his previous life, Aiwass also had a father, mother, and grandparents.

He also has enlightened parents and a happy childhood. In that ignorant childhood, he was much happier than Aiwass in this world... much, much happier.

His parents taught him a lot of knowledge about life and work, and helped him develop many good habits and a cheerful personality. His father would play games with him, and his mother would always cook good meals and tell him stories. His grandfather would take Aiwass to play chess and go fishing, while his grandmother would knit sweaters and make cotton clothes for him.

——Until a huge earthquake destroyed Aiwass's entire world, leaving him alone.

It's just like Dickinson's poem.

She once said, "I could have endured the darkness if I had never seen the sun."

Aiwass had been loved and had sipped the nectar of happiness. His family were good people, and he grew up in a bright world—until the sun went down.

--I remembered.

Aiwass opened his eyes slightly, and his breathing stopped for a moment.

The memories he had deliberately forgotten were retrieved again. It's not like the seal has been lifted, but more like finally opening the homework that had been saved for a vacation.

He had long known of their existence and even their general contents, but he had always been reluctant to face them.

Even before the earthquake, Aiwass had a vague feeling of uneasiness. He had also seen insects crawling and toads taking to the streets. But he didn't take the fleeting uneasiness seriously. Only afterward will you feel the heartbreaking guilt and regret.

——If only I had paid attention to these omens. Aiwass sometimes thinks so.

I woke up from a nightmare with cold sweat covering my back.

After many, many years, he gradually forgot the guilt he felt at that time. But those loves were just like the traces carved on the walls of his hometown when he was ignorant, and they were deeply engraved in his heart.

Perhaps it is precisely because Aiwass once experienced such beauty that he craves that kind of love even more now; or perhaps it is precisely because he is the only one who survives disasters and will always subconsciously want to sacrifice himself to help others.

Because he has experienced suffering, he hopes that others will not suffer it again;

Because I have experienced that powerlessness, I want to control my own destiny;

And because only he was saved at that time, he is now always unafraid of self-harm.

It is a subconscious desire for self-destruction.

Before Aiwass awakened his past life memories, he always subconsciously chose to sacrifice himself to help others; he always avoided other people's feelings and expectations, and was always unwilling to accept the love of others.

It's like quitting the game after your account is stolen, no longer keeping pets after their pets die, and no longer getting married after the death of a wife or husband... What Aiwass resists is the love from others; and tracing back to the source, he hates Concerned about one's own weakness.

Because of this, Aiwas always subconsciously keeps a distance from others.

And his current adaptability to the path of devotion and transcendence comes from this subconscious mind.

If Isabel is gorgeous but fragile glass, then Aiwass is steel that is hard on the outside but full of cracks on the inside.

——That is not emptiness, but fear.

The fear of another disaster coming and being unable to do anything... to save the ones you love.

If this is the case, then it is better to stop loving others. As long as you don't have it, you won't be sad about losing it.

"...It turns out that I'm scared too."

Aiwass understood clearly in his heart and murmured in a low voice.

"What?"

Isabel didn't hear Aiwass' words clearly and asked with some confusion.

Her voice was muffled and hoarse from sobbing. But the soft voice seemed well-behaved.

"nothing."

Aiwass said softly: "I just suddenly realized... In fact, the most cowardly coward turned out to be myself."

I have been encouraging Isabel to overcome her fear and watching Isabel gradually become stronger.

But isn't this just projecting the fear in his heart onto her?

Her victory was her own victory. He helped her stand up, just like helping her past self.

——The courage Aiwass gave her has now become the courage she gave Aiwass.

Even if Aiwass recalls the past again, he will no longer feel afraid.

The moment he realized this, the restless heart in Aiwass's heart that had been agitated by facing the past gradually calmed down again.

In Aiwass' pupils, red and purple achieved an unprecedented harmony and balance.

"Lulu."

He whispered Isabel's other name.

"Um?"

Isabel was also a little confused. She shook her head, wiped her tears with Aiwass's shoulder, and then raised her head from Aiwass's arms.

But Aiwass just silently moved his hand that was gently on her back upwards. Between his fingers were the flowing golden hair, and his open hand gently padded the back of Isabel's head.

In an instant, Isabel realized what was going to happen next.

She opened her eyes slightly in surprise, her long eyelashes trembled like butterfly wings, and her clear green eyes raised a shimmer as bright as water. She immediately closed her eyes and held her breath.

Aiwass lowered his head and kissed softly.

First the forehead, then the tip of the nose. Finally, there are the lips.

Isabel's soft slender waist was slightly bent backwards, and Aiwass's shoulders were hugging her tighter and tighter.

A slight touch, then separation. Licking the somewhat bitter tears, he let out a low gasp when he couldn't breathe.