Stunned for You

"Why do you think so." Shi Yi's voice became softer. She put down the pen and paper, turned sideways and hugged Fu Sitian, her eyes warmer than the sun.

Fu Sitian watched her, with a trembling and hesitant heart, shaking and struggling more and more in her eyes.

She heard the sound of the chains violently shaking, and heard the door of the heart that had never seen the sun before, never dared to open it to people, the little monster that had been dying for a long time, was trembling against the door. I want Shi Yi to hug it too.

She couldn't refuse. Also reluctant to refuse.

She didn't know, if Shi Yi was unwilling to accept it in this world, who else could accept it.

She trembled her lower lip, her hands propped on the ground, and slowly sat down, leaning on Shi Yi's shoulders.

Shi Yi embraced her silently, without urging.

After a long time, Fu Sitian looked at Fu Jianze's tombstone, his throat moved, and finally gained the courage, confessed: "Shi Yi, when he was there, I was not good to him at all."

Shi Yi squeezed her hand and listened quietly.

Fu Sitian said quietly, "All the nightmares in my life started with him. I can't forgive him."

"I have been under the eaves for four months. I haven't given him a good face, or even said a few words to him."

"When he first came out of prison, I even..." Fu Sitian unconsciously grabbed his five fingers, "Viciously thought about why he would come out, why can't he let me go, and he can't just disappear into my world forever like that. ..."

Shi Yi stroked her five fingers distressedly, trying to relax her strength, but Fu Sitian clenched more and more tightly. Her tone was still restrained, but her voice gradually became astringent: "Almost all the bad tempers in life can't help being sent to him."

"I don't think he deserves my kindness, he is not worthy." If the bloodletting can wash away the dirty genes from her body, she can turn her into an innocent self, she is willing.

But she is not worthy. She must live.

"I remember one time deeply," she said, "I was mean to him, ‘you don’t come out, this whole street is safe’."

At that time, for Fu Siyu's prosthesis, for the clientele and performance, she went out early and returned late every day, rushing around, socializing, drinking like water.

One night, she finished socializing again, half-dead, came back on the last bus, got off the station, and turned around and saw the end of the road not far away. The slightly rickety figure of Fu Jianze was standing, looking at him. The platform here.

He trot over as soon as he saw her.

Fu Sitian's temples jumped suddenly and his mind was flustered, thinking that something was wrong with Xiaoyu, and struggling to endure the pain of his gallbladder and walked towards him quickly.

"What are you doing?" She frowned, and asked urgently.

Fu Jianze stopped immediately. He seemed a little embarrassed and a little at a loss, but soon he was suppressed, a gentle smile appeared on his thin face, and he explained: "I will come out to pick you up."

"I just stood by the window, and found that the street light seemed to be broken tonight, and the whole one inside was not on. I was afraid it would be unsafe for you to come back.

Fu Sitian followed his words and looked behind him. The road leading to the building where they lived was really dim, without a light on.

The middle-aged man who rode the electric vehicle to study the children next night whizzed past them, leaving behind inaudible sporadic laughter.

Fu Sitian suddenly remembered that many years ago, when she and Chen Xizhu were doing part-time jobs together, there was often a section of the road where there were no street lights on the way home from get off work.

At that time, she was really scared and really helpless.

But bite the bullet, she rode over. Since childhood, how many roads have she traveled along this road? He is only now beginning to worry whether it will be too ridiculous.

Suddenly she felt that her throat was severely blocked, her heart was as hard as a stone, and her indistinguishable emotions filled her chest. She opened her mouth and mocked him coldly: "If you don't come out, the whole street will be safe."

In an instant, she saw the blood on his face fade away, and he whispered, but she couldn't say a word, she looked very pitiful.

Her right lower abdomen was more painful, and her whole body was shaking unbearably. But she held on, stood straight, step by step, passing by him, and stepped into the darkness indifferently.

After a long time, he came back, as if nothing had happened, knocked on the door as usual, boiled hot water for her, made sober tea for her, and helped her wash all the dirty clothes and socks.

"I don't know what he thought about standing outside at that time. I thought that after that time, he knew he would give up and would not bother me anymore. However, the second day and the third day...every time the street lights were not repaired. One day, he still stood at that intersection waiting for me, walking behind me like a tail."

"He tried to talk to me, but I ignored him."

"Later I learned that at that time, he was already very ill. He hurts every day and feels uncomfortable every day, but he dare not say anything to me every day."

Her voice was so astringent that she took a deep breath and asked Shi Yi: "Shi Yi, am I too bad, too shouldn't..."

Shi Yi followed her inhalation with dull pain in her heart. She rubbed her side face with her forehead and comforted her: "No, come on. You don't know, you can't blame you, don't blame you. "

But Fu Sitian showed a bitter smile that was more uncomfortable than crying, and said, "Blame me."

"Uncle him, blame me." In her voice, there was a forbearing cry: "He asked me,'You live with him every day, why didn't you find out earlier?' I don't know how to answer him. His The ascites swelled up, I don't know, it was because my aunt met him by chance at the vegetable market and found something wrong."

"But it was too late, and the operation was meaningless. He said that the family situation was not good, so don't waste money. He refused to stay in the hospital for one day and went home by himself."

"Found it in August, and in October, he left."

"The day he left, we all had a hunch in our hearts that the time was about to come, but no one expected it. It was really the last day. The night before, he straightened his stomach and got up by himself because he didn't want to wake me up. Once. At that time, his stomach was swollen to his chest, and he couldn't eat anything for a long time except for a little liquid. But that day, he suddenly said that his mouth was burning badly and he wanted to eat popsicles. My uncle called me. , Let me bring a popsicle back when I get off work."

"I bought a bean paste popsicle at the convenience store downstairs." Her eye sockets were so sore that she raised her head and almost couldn't help tears. "He tasted a couple of mouthfuls and said slurredly, "No." Eat, throat,' he said, he wanted to eat the fruity little popsicle that I bought him the day he was released from prison. He said that it was delicious, and it was the best taste he had eaten."

"I can't tell you how it feels for a while. I didn't buy that popsicle for him at all. My uncle didn't eat it and said he wanted to keep it. I didn't say anything, turned around, and went downstairs to buy it. ."

"That was the first time in those months that I wanted to satisfy his wish like that."

But it was cold in October, and almost no goods were purchased in convenience stores. In the refrigerator, there were only a few unsold varieties that were sold in the summer. There is no one he wants to eat.

"I searched from store to store. From the street to the end of the street, I couldn't buy the kind he wanted to eat. I drove a shared bicycle, rode a few streets, and finally ended up in a small shop. I found it. I paid, and just about to ride back, my uncle called me and he asked me where I was going and told me to go back quickly, saying that he vomited blood, he might be dying."

At that moment, her hands and feet were cold, as if even the blood was frozen by the ice in her hands.

She couldn't remember how she rode back. She felt that she had tried her best and used the fastest speed.

"But it was still too slow. When I went back, he was no longer there."

Fu Sitian's tears fell, and he said: "He has his eyes open...don't look down."

"My uncle said with red eyes that he had been looking at the door and wanted to wait for me. He asked me to call him and let him go with peace of mind."

"But I was holding a popsicle and couldn't shout out."

"My uncle blames me, please, I still can't yell out. I saw that he closed his eyes, and tears flowed down the corners of his closed eyes."

"I finally called out Dad, but he couldn't hear it anymore."

"He can't hear anymore..."

"Shi Yi." There was a tremor in her voice, and pain drilled through her heart, making her unable to speak. She wanted to curl up and hide in a dark corner.

But Shi Yi hugged her tightly, not allowing her to escape, not allowing her to hide.

Listening to the same heavy breathing in her ears, she finally slowly relaxed her limbs, and tried to let go of herself again.

She continued to confess in a voice that was so choking that she couldn't make a sentence: "He has been out of prison for so long, and my father never called him..."

"I think I have a reason not to forgive him, but after he is gone, I am slowly unable to forgive myself."

"When I go home drunk, I often think of the cup of sober tea he made for me. When I walk through a dark road, I think of the figure waiting for the rest of the day, cooking porridge, hot dishes, washing the floor and mopping the floor. At that time, I remembered his busy day after day, pleased and self-confident, I would see him again and again in his dreams, watching him on the sickbed, always looking forward to Ai Ai, hoping that I could call him "Dad" , But in an instant, he was pushed into the stove and turned into a small box."

"I don't know, it is his regret or mine. Is it his fault or mine." Her face was full of tears, and her thin shoulders were in front of Shi Yi's body, like a bayonet. Stick in Shi Yi's heart.

Shi Yi's throat also choked. She turned her body sideways, put one hand on Fu Sitian's shoulder, wiped the tears on her face with the other, stared at her, and said in a low voice, "It's not your fault, come."

She said: "You are already doing better than most of us. For any one of us, you may not be able to do better than you."

Fu Sitian's eyes trembled, his lower lip bitten tightly, as if he was suspicious, but also aggrieved, he let out a whimper. Over the years, she has been trapped in a collapsed world and a chaotic outlook on life. No one can tell, and no one has confirmed her. She didn't know what kind of person she was after doing so many wrong things, and whether she was worthy of being forgiven. She lowered her head, full of uncertainty, shaking her voice and asked, "Really?"

Shi Yi's heart broke.

She held her face in her hands, forced her to look at her, and said to her eyes: "Really. No one blames you. Uncle doesn't blame you either."

Fu Sitian's eyes were even brighter. She did not blink, but the big tears rolled down on her own. She said: "Uncle scolded me, saying that I have no heart."

Shi Yi was a little annoyed with Fu Jiantao, and said, "He was angry."

Fu Sitian's eyes were gloomy: "Maybe it's the truth."

She said: "I know that my dad has changed, and time is running out, so I don't want to give him another chance."

Shi Yi said: "It's not to blame you. Come, not all'sorry' can get a sentence \'It's okay'. Originally not all repentance can be forgiven. Hurts have happened, they have happened. No matter what, you have to write off. Besides, you didn't forgive him in the end."

Fu Sitian's jaw trembled violently. She stared at Shi Yi in a daze, hesitating, uneasy, full of thirst, and forbearing to the extreme, then she opened her heart with the voice of breath, and asked the sentence: "Even if... I am cold and selfish, when I hear him say to Is it okay to breathe a sigh of relief when giving up treatment?"

At that time, she was too burdened, she was really, too tired, too tired.

Shi Yi couldn't see her like this, his eyes were red, and he kept rubbing her chin and lower lip, letting her let her go.

She said: "It's okay, come, it's okay. It's all human nature." She kissed her tears like a treasure, and told her: "We are all ordinary people, with ordinary people's emotions, love, hatred and evil. What does it matter if it is not so tolerant, not so perfect? ​​Why do you want to use the standards of a saint to demand yourself?"

"Come on, forgiving others and forgiving yourself are both homework. The former, I have never seen anyone doing better than you, and the latter," she stroked her face, tears in her deserted eyes. , Said: "May I work hard with you?"

Fu Sitian saw her clearly reflecting herself in her eyes—the little, embarrassed, lonely, and never-beast-like, complete and true self.

In this world, there is really one person who can accept her completely, like a jewel like a treasure, always on her side.

She finally couldn't help it anymore, threw herself into her arms and buried it by her neck. For the first time in more than 20 years, like a child, she let go of all the precautions and disguise in front of people, and cried presumptuously. , I feel like crying out of the helplessness and confusion of so many years of grievance.

Shi Yi held her, closed her eyes, tears and Fu Sitian's tears flowed into her heart.

The wind is blowing, the clouds are floating, and the new paint on the tombstone with the words "Fu Jianze" shines in the sun.

Shi Yi said, "Come on, your father must have heard it."

"He loves you so much and will never hate you. Only when you get better and happy can he really have no regrets."

The leaves rustled in the wind, as if responding. Shi Yi asked: "Did you hear that?"

Fu Sitian choked on her body. After a long time, he whispered back: "I heard it."

Shi Yi rubbed the back of her head, full of love, like coaxing a lover and a child.

The sunlight melted their shadows together, regardless of each other.

There is no more barriers.