D.E.M.O.N.S: Getting Summoned Weekly isn't so Bad

--- Kat ---

"Vanya you got anything interesting for us?" asked Lily. 

"Not really? I mean, Marigold's story was funny, and there were a few others like it, but those aren't really worth repeating. The pyromancer story from Burnice was funny as well now that I think about it. Really the only other humorous story I can think of is that time we lost to clown assassins. But those weren't really assassins and it's only funny because they're clowns, it's a little complicated but not that…" Vanya trailed off slowly as she looked around at everyone else. 

March was sitting up in her seat, Burgandy had her eyes locked on Vanya while Kat and Lily were both clearly paying attention. Vanya let out a long sigh and said, "Right ok, apparently this is more interesting to you all then I thought so I suppose I can talk about them. Um… do you want to talk about the fight first or the clowns first?" 

"I want to hear about the fight first. I've heard rumours of the clowns and I know a fair bit about them… but I'd just thought they were a children's tale. Not a real… I don't really know what to classify them as if I'm honest," said March. 

"I haven't heard of these guys at all," added Burgandy. "So I'm cool with whatever," 

Kat and Lily just shrugged and Vanya nodded before saying, "Right, well, now that I've thought about it for those extra few seconds I've decided to go over the clowns in more detail before going over the fight," March pouted a bit… which did look a little strange on her face. "Sorry March, but they're just too strange. With the other three not really knowing what they are like, I'd need to take too many tangents to explain how all their weapons function."

March nodded in understanding even if the awkward looking pout remained on her face. Vanya continued the story… while looking literally anywhere else. "Before I get too into the specifics… please be aware that all of this is going to sound ridiculous, but not only have we met some of the Clowns, with a capital C, but because of Marigold, and I suppose myself to a degree, we have royal confirmation that the Clowns do in fact exist and are a real organisation. Not just odd stories and small groups. 

"From what we know, the Clowns are a small, niche group run by a… man or woman called The Big Cheese. Now, sadly, I'm going to have to keep referring to them as The Big Cheese, because apparently bad things happen to people that shorten his or her name. I keep saying his or her, because The Big Cheese doesn't keep the same appearance forever." 

Kat and Lily couldn't help but star, every time Vanya sad 'The Big Cheese' a slight echoey effect was attached to it. The pair weren't sure if anyone else could hear it, nobody was reacting at least… but it WAS weird. Kat almost wanted to say it was just Thyme messing with them… but if it was an auditory illusion then Kat wasn't entirely sure she could hear it. 

Despite their confusion Vanya just kept talking. Their inner turmoil nothing in the face of The Big Cheese "It's unclear if The Big Cheese is a position in the organisation that just means the person in charge, or if The Big Cheese is, and has always been one person that can shapeshift. It's complicated by the fact they don't change appearances often, it's roughly ever fifty years or so… 

"The problem is that sometimes nobody will see The Big Cheese for a century and then come back with a different appearance. They'll regularly make jokes that imply they're a new person… but then reference things that only the previous The Big Cheese should know, and occasionally implying they're actually the same person. 

"Auctifer is on team 'they're the same person' but Artema, and Queen Ivy believe The Big Cheese is an inherited position. I've heard grumblings from Auctifer that Ulf actually knows the truth, and was friends with either the original The Big Cheese, or if they're the same person the current, and always The Big Cheese," 

"Yeah, Dad says that whenever you ask Ulf about The Big Cheese" Kat narrowed her eyes as Marigold spoke. When Marigold said The Big Cheese it wasn't echoey at all, instead it sounded a bit like a slide whistle. Something funky was going on here. "He'd answer differently every time. According to Dad, Ulf has claimed The Big Cheese was his long-lost love, his most bitter rival, his brother, his sister, his mother, his fifth cousin twice removed, and his first child hidden from the world. 

"Considering The Big Cheese is at least as old as Ulf and possibly older the chances of that last one being true are practically zero, but the lack of a straight answer from Ulf could either mean that the old man doesn't know… or he's joining in on the fun and fucking with people," 

"So… are they stronger than Ulf?" asked Kat. 

Vanya shrugged and said, "Nobody knows really. The one recorded fight between Ulf and The Big Cheese that I read about wasn't much of a fight at all. The Big Cheese just booked it off into the sunset when Ulf showed up. Which would imply Ulf is stronger… but considering the lack of damage the Clowns do, perhaps it would be too damaging to fight Ulf and they retreated instead. 

"According to the records of the fight, Ulf wasn't even looking for The Big Cheese at the time. Ulf was incognito buying some pastries in a small town bakery when The Big Cheese came in rob the place. It was… a really small bakery and The Big Cheese snatched all the sweets and then threw a whole mine's worth of gold bars at the couple who ran it. Ulf chased after The Big Cheese because he hadn't bought his sweets yet," 

"Right…" said Kat sceptically.

"Yeah exactly. The Clowns have never hurt anyone seriously. Bit of bruising and some cuts? Sure. Wounded pride? Massively, but they've never done anything too bad. So they're only technically criminals. The real issue is that they're powerful. Not something the team knew at the time when we accepted a guard job against them, but it's a fact we learned later. The only other relevant note, is that The Big Cheese comes by to break out the Clowns if they're ever locked up too long. Well, 'someone' shows up and puts a sign around captured Clowns that reads 'I got caught so I have to sit in timeout' but really that could be anyone," Vanya said with a grin and a shrug. 

"Now, enough about The Big Cheese for some reason saying that all the time hurts my throat. Whatever mystery surrounds them, I've got nothing else. Now, as for the Clowns themselves. They like to use… exceptionally unconventional weaponry. The most unconventional. Just going over what we had to deal with? 

"Cream pies that exploded into ribbons that trap you in place. Poisons that make you fall over laughing, though not so much you run out of breath. Balloon magic, somehow. We're really not sure what the magical affinity on that guy actually was. Um… what else did they have at the time… ah. A flower that shot massive amounts of water out of it, but only if you tickled the underside and finally their red noses could be taken off and rolled at you like a bowling ball… when they were rolled they massively increased in size and while still soft, were good at taking people out of the fight," 

Vanya took in a deep breath to steady herself. "Right. The fight. So, we were paid to guard this house because… well the Clowns sent them a threatening note and they were willing to pay for guards. When the Clowns do show up, it's just three of them. One of them has balloon nun chucks, the other one has daggers with the laughing poison and the last one had the flower water gun. 

"Not proud to admit it, but we were sort of… distracted by laughing at them all as they burst into the room. It was just too funny when we first saw them. Couldn't help ourselves. Jokes on us because the balloon clown practically teleported towards our frontline and summoned giant balloons around the three of us, then the one with knives threw them at our backline and the laughter kept going. The one with the watergun then washed us out of the house we were guarding and into the street. It was barely a fight…" 

"Yeah those balloons were tough," chimed in Marigold. "I tried everything I could to get out of mine, but it lasted for a quite a while. We couldn't just roll them into combat because of the water… and just when we thought it was all over the clowns came back and rolled their noses into us, preventing us from chasing them… even though we were still trapped,"