Dysfunctional - An Assassin's Guide to Reincarnating in Another World

"...weed!"

"Huh? What did you say?" Asked a confused looking Misen.

"This plant...I know exactly what it is...and also how to use it. I, uh...don't suppose anyone is carrying any thin paper?" I inquired hopefully.

Oh my fucking not-God, I had found Marijuana!

I had tried it a handful of times in my old world, and I had enjoyed it quite a bit. My mission in the Caribbean that had ended up as a vacation was where it had started. After I took out my target, I spent the next few days getting totally stoned while watching anime in a hotel room and drinking tropical juices on the beach, until I eventually had my share of fun and decided to report my mission as complete and leave.

After that, I would get high on weed whenever I'd feel particularly stressed or as a reward for a mission that went especially well. If I had to put a number to it, I'd say I've gotten stoned about twenty-five times, more or less.

It had only been for about a year though, since that Caribbean mission had happened not too long before my days as a tortured lab rat began. It had been forever since I last rolled a joint.

Unfortunately, no one here had any thin paper than could be used to roll joints, so I had to think of something else.

"Hold on, how do you know about this plant? No one in the Rustlands could identify it. So, how did you? You even mentioned a name, but as far I know, this plant hasn't been named yet!" Demanded Misen, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Shut up, does it really matter? As far as I'm concerned, all that really matters right now is that all of us are about experience pure bliss," I replied, picking up a branch and using a throwing knife to hollow out and carve it into a makeshift pipe to smoke out of.

"H-hey, by that, do you mean we're going to, uh...," Trailed off Rai.

"Exactly. We're going to smoke it," I replied with a grin filled with anticipation.

"Huh? I don't know about that...isn't smoking supposed to be bad for your health?" Asked Key, looking skeptical.

"Oh, this is nothing like tobacco. It's way safer and makes you feel all relaxed and stress free," I informed her, as I finished carving the pipe.

"That doesn't sound right. Like it's too good to be true or something," Remarked Persia skeptically.

"Actually...this makes a bit of sense. Goldway's nobles are known to be traditionally heavy smokers, it is their most common pastime. And from what I heard, they were very, very enthusiastic in their reply after we had exported a small sample of this plant to them. They really emphasized their desire for us to bring more when we send out our Adventurers and representatives to Goldway a few days from now," Recalled Misen.

I plucked out a bud, tore it up and stuffed it into the end of the pipe.

"Look, I don't care whether you guys believe me or not, I'm going to smoke this either way, and it's totally up to you whether you join me or not. But I can assure you that you'll be missing out big time," I grinned, as I began to feel the anticipation continue to build up in me.

"U-uh, I should add, that I can back up everything Kuro said, smoking this plant is relaxing and even has some positive health benefits. It's not even addictive," Chimed in Rai.

"Have you tried weed in your old world?" I whispered to him, as the others exchanged unsure glances with each other.

"Yup, my parents were big time stoners. I didn't think weed was a thing in this world though, I looked it up but never found any information. Guess it was just undiscovered."

The others didn't look fully convinced, but I guess that was to be expected. It's not like we could scientifically prove the benefits of Marijuana in this world. Well, in that case...

"Hey, Key. Mind lighting this up for me?" I asked, holding out the weed-filled end of the pipe towards her.

Sometimes, if words aren't convincing enough, putting people at ease by using convincing actions can be pretty effective.

She hesitantly lit up a small flame at the end of her index finger and brought it towards the makeshift pipe, as the flame brushed against the weed stuffed in the opening. After I made sure that my Healing Factor was fully suppressed so that it wouldn't try to 'heal' my high, I simultaneously took a deep puff, and felt a familiar warm, smoky and slightly sour sensation fill my throat and lungs, before slowly exhaling and handing the pipe over to Rai.

I felt a slight light-headedness and slowly sat down on the grass. Hadn't expected it to hit me that quickly. Guess my new body has a lower tolerance than my old one did. Or maybe this was just a really strong strain?

Either way...this was fucking nice. After a bit of apprehension and hesitation, the others tentatively joined in.

"Can't...stop...coughing," Coughed Misen, his eyes watering.

Heh, nice....suffer. It did suck that he was a part of this smoke up session, but I can't deny that I'd have probably never found this place if he hadn't brought us here, so I'll, ugh...tolerate his presence.

"I haven't smoked before but I've walked past people who were smoking and would feel a bit queasy, but this stuff doesn't have that nasty scent you get from tobacco. I wouldn't say it tastes good, but it does have a pleasant feel to it," Admitted Key with a peaceful expression, exhaling slowly after taking a puff.

I've tried regular cigarettes, but the taste made me gag and feel nauseated, so I quit tobacco pretty much as soon as I started. It just didn't make sense to me to keep trying something addictive that's both unhealthy and tastes unpleasant.

"H-hey, I feel a bit unsteady while standing, is that normal?" Asked Persia nervously, a few seconds after taking a puff.

"Just relax and sit down, Cat Girl. I promise, this stuff is totally safe, you might feel light-headed and dizzy if you smoke more than your tolerance can bear, but no matter how much you smoke, neither your physical nor mental state are at risk. Plus you'll fully sober up after an hour or two and be completely back to normal. And unlike alcohol, you'll mostly be in control of your inhibitions, you'll just be a lot more relaxed and easygoing than usual. And unlike alcohol, you should remember everything just fine afterwards too," I assured her, though I was speaking loud enough for the others to hear too.

I had gotten them to smoke, but it would be hard for them to enjoy the high if they were feeling paranoid about it, I needed to convince them to just relax, stop worrying and enjoy this to the fullest.

"Now that definitely sounds too good to be true. But I have to admit, I do feel kinda good right now," Mumbled Misen, the whites in his eyes beginning to turn red as he began to get stoned.

Wow, from a single puff? Even for a first time, that was one weak tolerance.

"Oh, wow...I feel like I could take some amazing naps on this stuff," Muttered Azyl, laying down and sighing contently.

"Oh, yeah. It's great for insomnia."

An hour later, we had smoked half a dozen buds between us, and in hindsight, that might have been a bit much for a bunch of first-timers.

"Hey everyone...what do you call a witch who lives in a desert?" Riddled Rai, with a stoned grin and red, droopy eyes.

"I dunno," Mumbled Key, as the rest of us shrugged in reply.

"A sandwich!"

That was an awful joke, but it got all of us laughing.

"That....wasn't....funny....so why...?" Wheezed Misen, trying to stop laughing while tears streamed down his face.

"Oh, I've got a good one! What do you call a pleasant light?" Asked Key, a rare grin appearing on her usually serious face.

Huh, a pleasant ligh- ...oh, I think I know this one!

"A delight!" I answered triumphantly.

"Wow, that's right! Did you...read my mind or something?"

This continued for a while, as we kept coming up with dumb riddles and puns and then bursting out laughing at the lamest jokes. We were all so high that even Misen's presence couldn't ruin this for us.

"Hey, I just realized...it's been some time since our last round, how about we go for one more round?" Suggested Rai, staring at the rows of growing buds with desire in his eyes.

The others immediately voiced their agreement. Well, alright then...looks like I had successfully won them over as stoners.

As I plucked a bud and began stuffing it into the pipe, it suddenly hit me. I stared at Misen, and then at the cart.

"So, uh...you gonna start gathering these for your Quest or...?" I inquired, holding out the pipe to Key, who just blankly stared at it with half-open red eyes.

"Oh, no...I totally forgot...but I don't want to move right now...too comfortable," Muttered Misen, sounding like he was half-asleep.

Whatever, it's not like I lose anything if he fails his Quest.

"Uh, Key...mind giving us a flame here? Staring at it won't get it lit, you know," I quipped.

Five minutes later, all six of us were sprawled on the ground, as a sense of relaxing drowsiness washed over us. My head began to slowly spin as I felt like I was floating and falling at the same time, it was a weird, trippy yet pleasant feeling that was really hard to put into words.

I had never smoked this much in a single sitting in my old world, so this was almost definitely the highest I've ever been. Azyl was fast asleep with a relaxed, content expression on his face, while Key and Misen were beginning to peacefully nod off too.

Rai was in a daze, captivated by the clouds.

This was really nice.

"Hey, you still awake?" Came a whisper to my left.

"Huh? Oh, it's you, Kitty Cat. Yeah, I'm still up. So, how do you feel right now?"

"Really, really relaxed. It feels like...all my worries and concerns seem pointless right now, you know?" She sighed lazily, yawning and stretching slowly, he cat ears twitching as her tail swayed around smoothly.

So...cute.

"It's pretty nice, right?"

"Mhm, it really is. So...how did you know what this is? I can't deny that I'm pretty curious about that."

"Uh...that's a secret," I replied, unable to think of a good explanation in my current state.

I'll figure out an explanation once I sober up...Misen had been suspicious too.

"Aww, fine, be that way. U-um, so hey...I was thinking over the last few moments..."

"Yeah? About what?"

"The, uh...other night. You know, when we...don't make me say it out loud!"

"O-oh, r-right. That...," I replied, trailing off as my eyes automatically shifted up to her cat ears.

My gaze averted as she caught me looking at them.

"Well, we agreed to put it aside and talk about it after we've processed it and are ready to do so, a-and....I f-feel like I can talk about it right now, though it is still a bit embarrassing," She mumbled, as her cheeks turned red.

My heart began to race, as I gulped and took a deep breath.

I had been thinking about that night a lot since it happened, and I knew what I wanted to say, now that it had sunk in. But...it was just way too embarrassing!

Right now, I can barely even admit it in my own head, forget about saying it out loud!

"I, uh...," She began nervously, struggling to continue.

No, you know what...I can do this. I'll just clear my mind, ignore everything, and just blurt it out. Like ripping off a band-aid.

Alright, time to go for it!

"Persia, I-!"

Before I could continue...

"Ahh! What am I doing, taking a nap!? It's starting to get dark, I need to...!"

Misen woke up with a start, an alarmed look on his face, before springing to his feet and beginning to pluck out and gather a bunch of the Marijuana buds for his Quest.

Guess he had sobered up and remembered what he had actually set out to do here.

And his sudden, loud exclamation woke up the others. I let out a sigh, as my heart rate began to slow down. I glanced at Persia, who had buried her face in her hands.

Oh, well...

Maybe it was for the best, this was probably something I should try to say while in a normal, sober state of mind. Saying it while high may certainly be a bit easier, but...it just doesn't quite feel like the right way to go about it.

I guess, just this once, I should be grateful to Misen for the timely interruption. Though I couldn't help but admit that a part of me was a bit disappointed that I hadn't been able to finish what I was going to say.

"We should probably start heading back now," I suggested after a while, as Misen had nearly finished with his collecting.

I had almost completely sobered up by this point, and was feeling pretty sleepy.

"That was one of the best naps I've ever had. But walking all the way back feels like too much work," Groaned Azyl, yawning.

"For once, I agree with this lazy sack of bones. My body is begging me to lay down and relax," Sighed Key in agreement.

Thankfully, despite their complaining, no one showed any genuine resistance to leaving. After a small argument over who would have to pull the cart, we finally left the new haven we'd found, as we made our way out through the tunnel and out of the forest, with Misen grudgingly pulling the cart.

After all, his Quest was a lot more important that ours, which meant that he would have the most to lose if no one pulled the cart, leaving him with no choice but to pull it himself. I had to say, this had been a great day.

I had discovered the existence of weed in this world, and gotten to push Misen Ragiu around all day...what more could I ask for?

"Hey, you've been rather quiet, Persia. Is everything alright?" Asked Key, looking at her with concern.

"Yeah, I-I'm great! Just, uh, a bit sleepy," She responded with a nervous laugh.

"We all are, I'm so tired that I can't walk properly, I'm literally dragging my feet here," Sighed Rai, rubbing his eyes.

"How do you think I feel, huh!? Do you have any fucking idea how heavy this cart is!?" Growled Misen, as beads of sweat flowed down his face.

"You brought this on yourself, you know. You really can't expect any sympathy from us after you've been such a dick this whole time," I shrugged in reply.

"Tch, once we're back, I'm going to make sure that I never run into any of you again," He swore, with gritted teeth.

"That's an ironic thing to say, especially considering that we probably wouldn't even be aware of your existence if you hadn't approached and provoked us for your own entertainment in the first place. Like Kuro said, you brought this on yourself," Responded an indignant Key.

That shut him up a bit.

"...how much longer till we're back?" He groaned.

Heh...this felt really great.

As soon as we made we back in the walls of the Rustlands, Misen immediately rented his own cart, along with a horse, transferred his pile of weed onto it, and went his own way.

We headed for the nearest teleportation point and teleported until we reached the Adventurer Guild. We then confirmed the successful completion of our Quest, exchanged our herb filled cart with the reward and evenly divided it between the five of us.

"Well, that sure was a long day. Though, I certainly enjoyed myself quite a bit," I sighed, stretching my arms up.

"Same, we came across quite the game changer today," Agreed Rai with a tired yet content grin.

"I don't know about that, I felt pretty amazing back there, but I'm not fully convinced that it's completely harmless. It's not that I don't trust you guys, but I can't help feeling skeptical," Admitted Key sheepishly.

"I think they're right. My dad smokes a lot of cigars and tobacco-filled pipes, and I feel kinda nauseous and sick whenever I get so much as a whiff of it, but despite taking so many deep puffs of this stuff, I felt completely relaxed. Even though it was smoke, it felt...clean," Yawned Azyl, defending the weed.

Well, his lazy personality made him a pretty natural stoner, so it was no surprise that he was on board with it.

"By the way, what did you say this plant was called again?" Asked Key.

I think I had I had blurted out 'weed!' as soon as I recognized it. But since it was only recently discovered in this world, it probably wasn't named yet. In that case, I'll just say that I personally call it weed, and leave it at that.

Not long after that, we said our goodbyes and began heading our separate ways. I had only taken a few steps forward, when I felt a hand slowly grab my arm. I turned back, to see Persia staring up at me.

"Wait, Kuro. I wanted to talk about a couple of things, it won't take too long."

"Sure, I don't mind. Is this about, uh, a-after we got high...," I trailed off.

"Oh, um...w-well that too. But there was something else, actually. Um...what happened back at the swamp? You were acting kinda weird, and then suddenly seemed to be in a hurry to leave as quickly as possible. Did something happen back there?"

Damn it, she remembered.

"N-nope! Nothing happened! I was just, uhh...," I trailed off, no excuse coming to mind.

"That's obviously not true. Whatever it was, I've never seen you like that. I w-was, um...really worried. You can trust me, you know," She mumbled, turning a bit red.

"Hey, that's not it at all. I d-do...trust you. M-more than I trust anyone else. Alright, something did happen, but...I, uh...REALLY don't want to talk about it, it's sort of...humiliating. It's not even a big deal, in fact it's kinda trivial...actually that's why it's so humiliating," I admitted, averting my gaze before I realized it.

A part of me didn't want to hide it from her, but another part of me was mortified at the idea of her finding out that I had such a pathetic weakness.

"O-oh, um...I'm, uh, g-glad...that you trust me. Well, I guess I won't press the issue if that's the case. Though, now that my concern is alleviated, my curiosity is piqued," She replied, with a small smile.

"Heh, you know what they say about curiosity and cats."

"Isn't it about time you stopped with the Cat Girl stuff already? It's not like I call you...uh...wait, what was your Anima again?"

Wait, she forgot? Well...to be fair, it hardly ever comes up.

Maybe I should have thought up a couple more physical mutations than just barely translucent hair.

Side note, if you're wondering exactly how translucent my hair is...well, if I pull it down and completely cover my eye with it, it's like wearing really dark sunglasses at night.

"Immortal jellyfish. Well, I guess it doesn't really matter," I sighed.

It genuinely didn't matter, I had sacrificed the potential effects of my Anima for my Healing Factor after all. In hindsight though...why did I go with the immortal jellyfish? I should have gone for like...a dinosaur or something else cool.

"H-hey, I didn't mean to forget! U-um, I'm sorry-!"

"Don't worry about it, I don't really mind. I was just thinking, it might have been nice to have a cooler Anima. Though now that I've gotten used to it, I can't imagine not having my Healing Factor."

That was true, over the last few months I had even subconsciously started to adjust my fighting style to be a bit more expansive without realizing it right away, it left me with more openings in my defense, but my offense had greatly improved.

Basically, I was able to ignore defense to an extent and pool more focus into offense thanks to the safety net that my Healing Factor brought to the table. The last move I'd used in my fight against Arg Lehosa was a good example of this.

"So, anyway...uh, about the...other thing," I mumbled, scratching the back of my head nervously.

"I'm sorry! I had been totally ready to get everything off my chest and tell you exactly what I wanted to say, it felt like I had finally been about to reach the top of a mountain I'd been climbing, but when the moment got interrupted...it felt like I had fallen all the way down to the bottom of the mountain again."

"I get what you mean. I-I....know exactly what I want to say, but...I can't quite bring myself to say it out loud...yet. But I definitely will, hopefully sooner than later."

"Yeah...so will I!"

We spoke for a bit longer, and then decided to each head home. I walked her halfway before we split up and I headed for the inn.

As I entered my room, I lay down on the bed and sighed. Why was this so hard?

I had killed hundreds of people without batting an eye, but now I couldn't even find the resolve to say one simple sentence. I had the words perfectly spelt out in my head, but the moment I even think about saying it out loud, my brain turns to mush, my heart beats faster than a hummingbirds' wing flaps, and my face feels like it's on fire.

Also, I wonder what she wanted to say to me. At the back of my head, I had been thinking about what it could possibly be, but I just didn't have enough evidence to conclusively narrow it down.

Maybe, just maybe...it was the same thing that I wanted to say to her?

No...no way, that would be way too good to be true, and I'm not really the type to believe in miracles. It could be any number of things, and I would only cause myself unnecessary stress by trying to assume or speculate what it might be, purely out of hope.

Besides, it wasn't like me to be so baselessly optimistic. In my old life, I always prepared myself for the worst-case scenario. But with this, I just couldn't bring myself to do so, or even consider what the worst-case scenario might be.

...

...

Aaand now, I couldn't fall asleep.

Oh, well...I have a secret weapon for that. I smirked as I pulled out a weed bud from my arm guard. Before we left, I had snuck a few buds into the hidden compartments in my arm guards and belt, because...why not?

I had also brought back the makeshift pipe I'd carved. I had matches that I used to light the oil lamp in my room, I took out the matchbox to light up the weed.

Half an hour later, I was drifting off, my eyes drooping shut. That had worked like a charm.

As I began to fall asleep, I started to think about why this whole thing with Persia was troubling me so much. Even though I had fully figured out and accepted my feelings, it didn't make it any easier to say it out loud.

On that note, do I even have to say it? Yeah...yeah, I do.

I know I'll regret it if I don't, regardless of how she may react to what I have to say. She had something to say to me too, and if I'm being realistic, the probability of it being the same thing that I wanted to say to her was extremely unlikely.

Yeah, regardless of what could happen or what could go wrong, I planned to tell her exactly what I had realized after that night. I planned to tell her...that I was in love with her.

Yup, it's still embarrassing as hell to admit it, even in my head!

With that thought, I slowly drifted off into a deep, peaceful sleep...

I awoke the next morning to a loud pounding noise, covering my eyes with my hand as sunlight streamed in through the windows. Huh, what time is it? Looks like it was the afternoon already...

Okay, what the hell is that pounding!? Is someone knocking on my door?

It's a fucking Sunday, leave me alone!

Whoever it was, they weren't letting up. I groaned and got up groggily, heading for the door. I'll just yell at whoever it is to get lost and then go back to sleep again. I unlocked and opened the door, before slamming it shut again.

The last person I wanted to see, was the first person I see first thing in the morning?

The pounding on the door continued. That's it, you know what...

...Bloodlust Mode.

I picked up my sword and drew it, before swinging the door open, and slashing at his face.

"Watch it! You could poke an eye out with that-!"

"That's what I'm going for," I growled in reply.

"Look, I wouldn't be here unless I had absolutely no choice, alright!? Quit swinging at me and listen!" Implored Misen, as my blade scratched his cheek as he dodged my slashes.

I was extremely pissed off at being woken up by him of all people, but the urgency in his voice convinced me to at least hear him out before killing him.

"Fine. Make it quick."

"Alright, this is about my Quest. After I got back, they questioned me on why I took so long, and also why I looked so tired. One thing led to another, and I may have let it slip that your group tagged along and that you instantly recognized the plant and knew how to use it. So, uh...the Headmaster ordered me to bring you to him, he wants to talk to you. Though I'm not sure about what exactl- hey, what are you doing?"

"So, let me get this straight...you started panicking when you got questioned a little, and then threw me under the bus, and now you're interrupting my sleep on a SUNDAY to tell me about it?!" I growled, grabbing his collar and pointing the tip of my blade at his throat.

"Threw you under the what...? But, uh, yeah...I guess that about sums it up."

Oh, come on...

This was bad. Really, really bad. How the hell am I supposed to explain this!?

Recognizing a plant that was almost completely unknown across this entire world had to be suspicious as hell. But refusing to speak would be even more suspicious. Damn it, I'll need to come up with something convincing ASAP.

I can't avoid this.

"God. Fucking...Damn it! You piece of-! Ughhhh, fine! Alright, you prick...lead the way. And afterwards, I'm going to fucking kill you."

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Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Don't forget to vote, and feel free to leave a comment, I appreciate any and all feedback and criticism! Also, check out my Instagram account @aimdaqs for posts relating to this book.