Dysfunctional - An Assassin's Guide to Reincarnating in Another World

"Wait, all that really happened? We didn't hear anything about it, though I guess that's not exactly surprising. That's so awesome!" Laughed Selesa with an wide grin.

"For once, I agree with you. Wish I could have seen that," Added Les with a nod, a slight hint of amusement on his face.

It was currently the third day of our journey to The Empire from Silvland. Yesterday, we had run into a handful of Wyverns here and there, but never more than two at a time, so we had no real trouble. Around the early evening time yesterday, we found ourselves in Griffin territory.

Even though they could fly, they didn't have any ranged attacks, so they would swoop down to attack. I had a bit of experience against being swooped down on, and compared to that crazy Featherheaded sadomasochist...these monsters were child's play.

Anyway, it was now the morning of the third day, we had just begun to head out again. The conversation had somehow ended up about that asshole Prince Aguil, and Misen and I told them what had happened when he'd visited the Rustlands. They seemed pretty happy at the thought of him suffering.

"He's really that unpopular, huh?" I inquired.

"Well, he's the most popular of the royal family amongst the religious radicals...but the more, uh, normal people like us find him to be...kind of a horse's rotting cum-wad."

"First off, you of all people are far from normal. And second, I've been meaning to comment on this for a while...what is with your overly specific and gross insults?" I replied with a raised eyebrow.

"She's been saying stuff like that since she could first speak. I don't even know where she learnt to talk like that," Responded Les, who was starting to become a bit more talkative...guess he'd just been quiet at first since he didn't know us.

I had a clue...porn games. The way she spoke a couple of nights ago, it was obvious that she had spent a lot of time on them in her old world.

"There's a bunch of wild dogs fighting up ahead, about four hundred meters," Informed Misen.

"No worries, animals aren't like monsters, give 'em a couple of zaps and they'll run away. How many dogs are we talking here, by the way?"

"Let's see...twenty...seven, I think."

"Huh, that's a lotta bitches," I remarked in reply.

Heh, I've always wanted to say that.

We came across them before long, they began growling and barking threateningly as we approached them. They were being cautious, but were ready to pounce at a moment's notice.

I fired off multiple bolts of lightning, strong enough to stun them without killing them. The ones I struck let out yelps before scampering away hurriedly. Some of the others followed after them, while a few appeared to get more aggressive and held their ground.

Two of them then charged at us, fangs bared.

One jumped at me, I evaded and kicked it away. It let out a whimper before running away. I could have slashed it or something, but I didn't want to get blood on me if I didn't have to. Besides, humans are one thing, but fighting weak animals is kinda meh...it might be cool to take on like a bear, lion or pack of wolves or something like that, but regular wild dogs like these would just be a boring, one-sided massacre.

A few more dogs charged at us, the others also knocked them away without killing them, and soon enough, they all dispersed into the shrubbery and groves.

That was boring.

"Hey, are you guys dog people or cat people? I'm totally a dog person! Dogs are the best, cats tend to be more indifferent. Which do you guys prefer?" Selesa asked eagerly, her tail wagging.

Well obviously she'd choose dogs over cats, her Anima was a dog after all. Come to think of it, of those few wild dogs that had tried to attack us, none had gone after her.

"...everything you say is pointless, isn't it?" Misen snarked with a roll of his eyes.

"It really is," Agreed Les.

"What they said," I added.

And besides, it goes without saying that I'm a cat person.

"You guys are the worst harem ever," She sighed with a whimper, her tail drooping.

...

A couple of hours later, we encountered a pack of six Griffins, hovering over us threateningly. I drew out my sword and extracted sixty percent Karma. I could last two minutes in this state, which should be more than enough.

"The whites of your eyes turning black looks so cool!" Exclaimed Selesa, before heading up towards the monsters using Flight.

One of the Griffins tried to bite her and slashed its claws at her. She used Propulsion to shoot up and above the monster, before swinging both arms across at it, sending six wind blades slashing down at it, killing it. Another one swooped down towards Misen and Les, who was forming water around his arm, aiming its beak and claws at them.

The moment it neared them, Les instantly activated his water drill and drove it towards the monster. It's head and front legs got shredded into pieces.

Two of them swooped down at me, I evaded the first one's claws and flicked my wrist across, whipping my blade across the side of its neck, slashing through it and killing it. I then rolled forward to avoid the second one and drove my blade through its heart to finish it off.

One of the Griffins in the air shot towards Selesa, she dodged its claws, got in close and drove her fists towards its neck, thrusting her Wolverine-blades through its throat.

One more left. It swooped down at Misen and Les, and as it got close, Les began to activate his water drill, before Misen intervened with a powerful blast of lightning to blow its head off.

That took care of all of them.

"Alright, let's go," I remarked, before turning to Misen, "Thought you were happy to have a rear role."

"I am, but I got a little bored...I haven't gotten to take out a single monster so far," He shrugged in reply.

"Wooo, I took out the most monsters this time! Suck my dick, Kuro, I beat you this time!" Smirked Selesa smugly.

"...I wasn't aware it was a competition. In any case, if we're talking totals, I've taken out way more monsters than you have."

"Hmph, the next batch of monsters we run into, I'll take all of them out!"

Heh, we'll see about that...

...

Three hours later, we ran into five more Griffins.

"Alright, leave them to me-!" Selesa began with a confident grin.

I'm gonna enjoy this.

Before she could take off, I activated my Vampire Mode transformation and flew up towards the monsters. I pointed my fists up and shot through the torso of one of them, bursting out through its back, before firing bolts of red lightning at two of the others, blowing their heads off.

I then zipped towards one of the remaining ones, it had its mouth open, I grabbed its upper and lower beak and pulled across as hard as I could, effortlessly tearing it in half.

That left one, and I had used just seven seconds so far. I flung a needle coated in Confusion at it, it pierced the monster's torso and took effect. It plummeted to the ground, its wings not responding the way it was supposed to. As it struggled to get up or move, I charged up lightning in my fist for seven seconds and shot down as fast as I could, slamming my fist into its midsection as I reached it.

The red lightning around my fist eradicated more than half the monster's body, smashing into the ground and sending out an electric shockwave, as a small crater was left at the point of impact on the ground. The head and one of the back legs of the monster managed to stay intact, but disappeared into dust after a few seconds.

I retracted Vampire Mode and returned to my normal state before I used up the time limit. The more I use this form, the more efficient I become at using it. Back when I only had five seconds with it, I had to rush as fast as I possibly could, but I now had a lot more room to take my time, at least a little bit. Ideally, I'd like to increase my time limit a lot more than this, but it was a start.

"You stole my thunder, you period-blood-guzzling Vampire!"

...ew.

"That might be the worst thing to come out of your mouth so far, and that's saying a lot. Besides, the Vampires in this world don't even drink blood, and I'm not a Vamp- you know what, whatever. Dealing with you is a pain," I sighed, before letting out a snort of laughter as I turned towards her and noticed her hair.

It was all frizzy and spiked up, must be from when I slammed my Shocker Punch into the ground and sent out that static shockwave.

"Don't laugh, this is your fault!"

"I know, and it's the best thing I've done all day."

Misen and Les walked over, as we began to continue heading out.

"Isn't this a pleasant sight," Remarked Misen with a snicker, staring at her hair.

"Wait, how come both of you guys weren't affected, your hair is perfectly fine, what the fuck gives, huh?"

"Simple, I could sense exactly how strong the charge in the approaching shockwave was thanks to my Lightning Sensory Field, and countered by firing an equally strong charge in front of me to cancel it out. That, and we were a lot farther away from the point of impact than you were."

She growled in frustration as she tried to smooth down her hair. Her twintails were both frizzed up, making her look pretty insane. The fur on her tail was also all frizzy.

"That was a total dick move, I already had dibs on those monsters! And you should use that Vampire form more sparingly, like an ace up your-."

"No, that's stupid. If I used it rarely, then it'll take me longer to master it. However, the more I use it, the more I'll get used to it, which means I'll become more efficient with it a lot faster."

"I guess that makes sense. Hey, what did you do when you sent that last Griffin falling down? It was struggling to move," She asked curiously.

"I struck it with a needle laced in Confusion fluid...basically, it temporarily jumbles up the signals from your brain and you won't be able to move the way you want to."

"You don't say...hm, how interesting...," She muttered to herself.

I didn't like the look on her face, she was definitely planning something...

...

The rest of the day progressed smoothly, and we set up camp for the night inside a cave we came across. Based on the smell, it was probably a fox or wild dog burrow, but it looked like it had been unoccupied for at least a few days. We cleaned it out and set up piles of leaves for makeshift beds again.

It was pretty big, but just a little bit cramped with four people. Since we were in a closed space, we didn't need to keep watch, we could simply activate a Counter Barrier by the entrance.

I bunched up my hoodie like a pillow and placed it at the top of my pile of leaves, taking off my utility belt as well.

"Hey, can I see one of your Confusion needles for a sec?" Selesa asked me.

What was she upto? Well, my Healing Factor makes me immune to the stuff so it's not like she could use it against me, not to mention that I am kinda curious, so why not...

"Sure, here," I replied, taking one out from my utility belt and handing it to her.

Misen subtly stood up and got some distance from her with a wary look.

"It doesn't have a smell or anything...how do you tell the difference between all your different needles?"

Huh, was she just genuinely curious about it, after all? Maybe I had been overthinking it.

"I just make sure to keep track of where I keep each type, wouldn't want to accidentally use a poison needle when I meant to use a paralysis needle or something like that," I responded.

"Oh, I see. That's pretty cool, I don't think I'd be able to meticulously keep track of something like that- woah!" She suddenly exclaimed, tripping and falling on top of Les, who had been half-asleep on his pile of leaves.

That idiot...

She deliberately tripped herself just then, she had kicked the back of her left heel with her right foot and fallen on top of him, holding the needle so that one end pierced her shoulder while the other end pierced his arm.

"O-oh, nooo...sorry, little bro, you okay?" She asked with feigned concern, not hiding the excitement on her face very well.

That was the least convincing 'oh, no' I'd ever heard in my life. She had planned to use my Confusion needle for an 'accident' right from the beginning...I was regretting letting my curiosity get the better of me.

"Get off me," Les sighed, before a look of surprise appeared on his face as he suddenly lifted his leg.

He must have tried to raise an arm to push her off...

As a result, he ended up pushing his thigh up against her crotch.

"Ooh, aren't you enthusiastic, little brother?" She smirked after letting out a stifled moan, before her arms suddenly squeezed his head.

"Ow, let go!" He said, with an expression that was getting more and more exasperated by the second.

Ah, she must have tried to squeeze her legs around his, but her arms ended up moving instead.

"...this is disturbing," Muttered Misen, staring at them incredulously.

Les was desperately trying to move, but was unable to adapt to the switched up brain signals, and his clumsy attempts to push her off and stand up only made the situation worse. His right forearm was sandwiched between her boobs, and his legs were tangled with hers.

With every passing second, his expression grew more and more traumatized, while hers grew more and more...you know.

"D-don't just stand there and watch...help me!" He exclaimed, raising his voice for the first time since we'd met him, the desperation in his voice was apparent.

Well, this was partially my fault...

I fired multiple Lightning Bullets at the back of her neck to stun her, before pushing her off of him with my foot.

"The effects should wear off after twenty minutes. Just stay put till then," I sighed, as she lay facedown on the floor of the cave.

"Thank you," Les sighed in relief, the immense stress that had been built up on his face fading.

"H-hey, could you at least turn me on my front- agh!" Selesa began to try to get up, but her arms wobbled and she fell back down, her face hitting the floor, "...I think I broke my nose."

"Well...that happened. I'm going to pretend that it didn't," Misen remarked, shaking his head before heading for his pile of leaves and lying down.

"Hey, turn me over, you piss-drinking pansy ass sons of bitches! This hurts!"

Her overly specific and gross insults were kinda amusing, I had to admit.

"You deserve it," Les yawned with cold disinterest.

Well, sister or not, after what she just did, it was no surprise that he was pissed. The fact that even attempted something like that just emphasized how into porn games she must have been in her old life...those things always had super unrealistic and overly convenient scenarios that would never actually happen in real life.

"Go to sleep after the effects wear off, we'll leave you behind if you're not awake in the morning."

"You guys are so mean!"

She grumbled for a while longer, before sulking as none of us bothered to respond. She was like a twelve year old boy who had discovered porn for the first time...almost always horny, and childish and immature. She was quick to sulk, but even quicker to recover.

About an hour later...

"Hey, Les...I didn't mean to make you mad, so...let me make it up to you! How about your big sister gives you a nice massage-."

"Would you shut up!? I'm trying to sleep here!" Snapped Misen irritably.

I groaned and buried my face in my makeshift pillow, trying to tune them out.

"You shut up, can't you see I'm trying to get some sibling bonding done here-!?"

"You're not fooling anyone, perv," I sighed, as I got up and swiftly flung a tranquilizer needle at her and added, "I should have done that sooner."

"Much better," Misen remarked contentedly.

"...sorry about her," Les mumbled apologetically, as he carried her unconscious body and lay her down on the vacant pile of leaves.

"It's not your fault, if anything, you're the victim here. Anyway, now that that's over...we can finally get some-," I began eagerly.

And that's when she began snoring. Loudly.

"...sleep," I finished with an exasperated groan.

I proceeded to have one of the most restless and uncomfortable sleeps I've ever had in my life. And based on the rustling around me, the other two guys were also having trouble falling asleep over the sound of her snoring. The tranquilizer's effect was to put the victim in a deeper sleep than normal...looks like that had severely backfired.

A sense of exasperation filled me as I reminded myself that we weren't even halfway done with our journey to The Empire yet...

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