I will not die!

There was a time in the past when my ears couldn't handle human voices at all. It's not that I couldn't hear them at all. It's just that as soon as their voices entered my ears, they would become blurred and distorted as if they were thrown into the sea. ,Confused. So to be more precise, it's not that I can't hear, but I can't understand, as if I've been thrown into an alien planet.

Although I can no longer hear human voices, I can hear some sounds that I couldn't hear before. Some of them are beautiful and gentle, such as the"whooshing" sound of the air flowing, and the"pop" sound of the sun shining through the clouds. , the"sizzling" sound of gravel rubbing against the ground, but some are very noisy, such as my noisy... heart beating sound.

I could hardly study at that time. I would just be in a daze or think in class every day. When the teacher saw that I was distracted, he would come over and pat my head, indicating that I should read even if I couldn't hear, but I couldn't read at all. Because the sound of his walking is too noisy, the sound of someone secretly eating snacks is too noisy, the sound of someone secretly playing with mobile phones is too noisy, the sound of writing is too noisy, the sound of turning books is too noisy, and the sound of stamping feet is too noisy , everything is too noisy.

In particular, my deskmate at the time always liked to annoy me. He would suddenly point me to where the teacher was talking, bump me with his arm on purpose, look at what I was doing, touch me with his foot, and whisper in my ear. While talking, he tested whether I really couldn't hear. I seemed to be his toy to relieve his boredom in class, and he would play with it whenever he had nothing to do. Moreover, they always find fault with me and say bad things about me because of my inability to hear.

It’s true that I couldn’t hear, but at that time I could basically tell what a person was saying by looking at the shape of their mouth. It’s not that I’ve learned lip reading without a teacher, it’s just that their conversations are too simple and they say the same words over and over again. As long as you know those, it’s not difficult to understand what they say.

During those days, I endured countless strange looks from people around me, including my parents, classmates, teachers, and passers-by. Their annoying looks made me sick.

I really want to dig out all their eyes.

As well as those tongues full of tongue coating and teeth covered with tartar, it’s best to have them all removed as well.

In this way the world will be pure.

Because I couldn't hear what the teacher said, my grades naturally plummeted. Therefore, during that period, in addition to being scolded every day, I was also whipped from time to time. I knew why I was beaten, but I couldn't change anything, so I just Being able to stay as far away from everyone as possible. Eat alone, be in a daze alone, read alone, do questions alone, walk alone, look into the distance alone, stand late at night, and be isolated by everyone.

I don't hate a person.

I hate not being able to do it alone!

There are always people, always people, who will break into my world without my consent! Trample on my territory! Destroy my castle! hateful!

Damn it! court death!

Go to hell!

Everyone should die!

Such an idea quietly planted seeds in my brain until it took root and sprouted completely on a rainy day.

It's noisy.

The thunder from time to time coupled with the constant pounding of raindrops, as well as their endless comments and insults against me, could be heard clearly even if I covered my ears with several layers of quilts and pillows...it was too noisy.

The noise drove me crazy.

So, I held the blade in front of me. Logically speaking, I should aim at my own ears, or those who make noise. The sound of rain is temporary after all. Only when they are all dead can I achieve complete peace..

Gudong -

However, somehow, I ended up pointing the blade at my chest. Maybe it's because the beating sound of my heart is too noisy. The outside world is already noisy enough, but the heart, which is a part of my body, is still helping me. This is really unbearable.

However, an accident happened. The ribs were much harder than I imagined. The blade in my hand did not insert straight into my heart like on TV, but was stopped by the ribs and the strong pain transmitted to the brain. The blood-stained blade fell to the ground with a crisp snapping sound. I felt a warmth in my chest. When I reached out and touched it, it was already a bright red.

After that, the first person to find me was my mother. For the first time, she sent me to the hospital without praying. I still clearly remember my mother’s expression when she saw me bleeding all over the floor. The fear and terror were undoubtedly real. I still remember that she was crying and scolding me, while begging the doctor to save me, but the louder she screamed, the more noisy I felt.

Maybe I should aim for the neck.

It didn't matter...

After entering the hospital, I was lucky enough to get a ward with only me, and the world was finally at peace. In fact, my situation is not particularly serious. It is reasonable to say that I can be discharged from the hospital very early. I just need to come back for regular check-ups and hook up the drip. But in fact, I stayed in the hospital for a long time. Although I don’t know the specific reason. But I guess it was mostly because I was afraid that I would have some evil thoughts during that period. In fact, after experiencing how painful it was, I felt that I would never do it again for a long time, but I did not tell them this idea because I quite liked the environment in the hospital at the time.

During my hospitalization, my parents rarely came to the hospital except for taking turns to bring me meals every day and check on my condition. I can understand this, as they are usually very busy. In addition to them, there was another person who came to watch a few times. He was my deskmate.

When he came for the first time, I thought I was wrong. I never thought that anyone in the class would come to see me, let alone that it would be him. This person usually made things difficult for me in school, and I always felt that he was one of the people in the class who disliked me the most.

Although it was under the teacher's order, he really just came to see me. There was no cancellation step as I imagined. He even asked the nurse how my condition was and when I would be discharged.. After getting a satisfactory answer, he really breathed a sigh of relief as if he cared about me.

Speaking of this deskmate, he was actually placed next to me on purpose by the teacher, because at that time he was a famous talker in the class and had endless things to say every day. As long as I became his deskmate, there was no one who would not be affected by him. Many teachers dislike him and feel that he disturbs the order of the entire class. Of course, this is true. So, the head teacher arranged for him to be next to me, and the effect can only be said to be immediate.

However, although I didn't want to talk to him, he really wanted to talk to me. From the first day he became my deskmate, he tried every means to elicit interaction from me. Once, because I thought he was too annoying, I even And had a fight with him. However, my strength was completely incomparable to his, so I resorted to tools. In the end, both of us got lucky (he got more tricks than me), and was severely punished by the teacher for this.

Although he restrained himself a lot after that, he still wanted to attract my attention, but I would only deal with it when I felt annoyed.

Later, maybe I couldn't bear the nonsense from around me anymore, and suddenly something went wrong with my ears.

I can't hear the voices anymore.

But he bothered me more and more, as if he had seen some rare toy, which made me very annoyed.

Now, he actually took the initiative to come to the hospital to see me, which really flattered me. He even brought over all the notes he had taken in class in the past few days, even though I didn't want to read them at all.

I didn't take the initiative to persuade him to stay, but every time he came, he would stay for a long time. Not evicting him was my biggest concession.

"Does your chest still hurt?"He wrote on his mobile phone

"No, it hurts."Due to ear problems and not speaking for a long time, the way I speak now has become a bit strange.

"Don't you feel bored just lying like this every day?"

"boring"

"Do you want me to lend you my phone when I go to school?"

I looked at him doubtfully, and then said:"No need."There is actually a TV you can watch in the ward, but because I can't hear people and want to be quiet, I rarely turn it on.

I just want to see the blue sky and white clouds outside the window, and I don't want to pay attention to anything else.

His expression looked a little Lost, stuck in place not knowing what to do. I asked him to go back if nothing happened, but he was a little reluctant

"when can you go to school"

"have no idea"

"Do you want me to tell you where the teacher is talking now?"

"Need not"

"The teacher asked me to tell you"

"I said, no need"

"Is there anything you want? I can bring it to you."

"Don’t you understand what I’m saying?"

Silence.

After a while, he didn't use his mobile phone to write what he wanted to say, but said a bunch of meaningless words to himself. I glanced at it with my peripheral vision, but I couldn't understand most of the content. After all, I can only understand swear words, but there are some meanings. Although I don’t know if they are accurate, I think there is a high chance that they are.

"I previously……"

"regret……"

"sorry……"

"like……"

Suddenly, talking to himself, he came to my bed, grabbed my hand, and kept saying words that I didn't understand. I started to resist fiercely, but his strength was stronger than mine and I couldn't get away.

"Let me go! I can not understand what you say!"

He kept talking, completely ignoring my resistance.

"Let go!"

He shouted something almost at the same time as me. I used all my strength to finally pull my hand out, but he suddenly lost his balance and threw himself on my bed. In order not to touch the injury on my chest, he deliberately We changed positions as we fell, and our heads hit each other, making a dull sound. At the same time, something else hit each other for a moment... When he opened his eyes

, he was supporting his body with both hands, with a look on his face. Looking at me in fear.

As if a bolt of lightning had pierced my eardrums, I heard my own heartbeat again. It was very violent, almost... deafening.

It was so noisy that I wanted to crush it!

At the same time, an indescribable emotion came over me. My chest quickly gathered and turned into a blazing flame, which seemed to burn me to ashes.

He got up from my bed, talking and typing hurriedly on his mobile phone.

"Guangyuan, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it……"

"roll"

"I really……"

"roll——"I almost screamed.

He stood there stunned for a long time, and then ran away as dejectedly as a mouse. The nurse ran in shortly after, took out her cell phone and hurriedly asked me what happened. I didn't answer anything and just covered my whole body with a quilt.

So nauseous, so nauseous, so painful, so uncomfortable, so noisy! Everything around me began to distort, sometimes becoming hideous and terrifying, sometimes becoming magnificent. The words he had uttered before continued to echo in my ears, becoming clearer and clearer. But I don’t want to hear it, not at all!

All I can hear is my own heartbeat

"Plop, plop, plop……"

It’s so noisy, it’s so noisy, it’s so noisy!

The nurse was helpless about my situation, so she told my mother. As soon as she arrived at the hospital, my mother kept asking me questions about what happened. I could tell her anything, but the more she asked, the more I The more he felt that she was noisy, he didn't want to answer anything except telling them to get lost.

Suddenly, a loud slap hit my face. The burning pain made me temporarily forget everything. Looking at my angry mother, the corners of my mouth began to rise unconsciously. I smiled, and her face was written I was full of confusion and grievance, but in the end, I still didn’t say a word.

Everyone has had the urge to die more or less, either at an age when youth should be eulogized, or at an age when youth has passed away, but most people have stopped practicing this, but I don’t. , I continued to move forward, and then made what may be the craziest move I have ever done in my life, but even so, I am still just an ordinary person, an ordinary person who will feel tired and even despair of life. people. Nothing I do makes me any different from others.

Later, my wound healed and my ears gradually recovered.

I walked back to school. The sky was blue, the sun was warm, and the clouds were lazy, as if they were within reach, but I could no longer hear their voices. I still can’t figure out whether I accidentally broke into a world that didn’t belong to me, or whether I was forcibly dragged into a world that was willing to accept me, even if it was not perfect.

Everything is back to how it was before, nothing has changed.

That deskmate? forget.

Probably dead

……

The reason why I suddenly recalled this long past was because Alley suddenly barged in when I was changing clothes, and he saw the scar on his chest. Naturally, she asked about the origin of the scar.

Because the past was too painful to look back on, I lied to her for the first time.